Slow it Down

          For the past few days, the first days of the New Year, I have been confined to my house with a terrible cold and sore throat. I can't remember the last time I physically felt this bad :(. I am however glad that I am getting this out of my system before heading back to school, at least while I am sick at home I have my mom to help take care of me and put up with all my coughing and whining. I am not over exaggerating when I say that my past few days have been ultimate lazy days filled with watching TV, reading books, sleeping and drinking tea. All of this down time has left me thinking about anything and everything it seems, which has actually not been overwhelming but somewhat calming. It's the beginning of the New Year which means that people all over the world are thinking of New Years resolutions and goals for this upcoming year. Until today I hadn't really thought about any resolutions that I wanted to make. To be completely honest, I am not one to really stick to my resolutions. Every year I say that I am going to do something whether it be read more books for fun, go to the gym everyday, or eat healthier. I generally keep up with these resolutions for a few weeks and maybe even a few months, but after that they generally start to fade away. It wasn't until today, while sitting (slightly miserable and sick) that I thought of a resolution or desire that I have for this upcoming year, one that I deeply desire to keep. 

          Looking back over the past year, I am lost for words at how fast it went by. It feels like only yesterday that I was sailing with my family over New Years, or that I was saying goodbye to my friends going to Spain. Where did this year go? 365 days were gone in the blink of an eye. 365 days is a long time! How did it go by so fast? The only plausible answer that I can think of for this question is that we let/make it go by fast. If you really think about it, we are what truly makes everything move by so fast. I think so often, I look forward to things, or countdown to things that I forget to live in the moment. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with looking forward to something, but there is a difference between being able to look forward while living in the present, and looking forward to something in order to try and escape the present. Think about it for a moment. When you look forward to something or countdown to something, are you so focused on reaching that moment that you are neglecting the moment that you are in. It is hard not to do this. You want to reach that point so badly that you would skip over days to reach there. I think we get so caught up in moving forward that we forget completely that we are given days to live before that moment. If we are always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one we are in?

          I am not trying to sound morbid, I am only trying to speak what I believe to be the truth. But, everyday we live on earth is one less day that we have in this life. When I hear it that way, I cannot help but think that there is no reason to try and hurry the days. When I look back on my life I want to feel like I lived every moment. I want to realize that whatever I do each day is important or worth it, because I am exchanging a day of my life for it. I don't want to waste my time looking forward to something and forget about the time I have at the moment.

          With all that said, there is one thing that I desire for this New Year: Slow it Down. I want to make every day meaningful and important. I don't want everything to move by so quickly, and I feel like I have the choice to slow everything down so that it doesn't pass so rapidly. I don't want to try and move so fast that I miss things. As hard as it is for me, I'm not going to try and make five year plans or ten year plans. Realistically five or ten years down the line, it probably won't be exactly how I pictured it anyways.  I don't think that it is until we slow down that we are able to experience that sensation that life is just perfectly ok the way it is. I do not think that it is until we stop rushing through life, that we realize how much more life we actually have time for. When we slow down we are able to see the beauty that surrounds us. This is my deepest desire for this new year. I just want to slow it down, and I do believe that I have that power. This is one "resolution" that I will not let myself give up.

"The trick is enjoy life. Don't waste away your life waiting for the better ones ahead."

The Perfect Song for this:

New Beginnings

          December 31, 2012. It is officially the last day of the year. In a few hours we will be ringing in the New Year with friends and family, anxiously awaiting the ball to drop in New York and for the clock to turn to 12:01 am. At 12:01 one year will be over and another one will be just beginning. I'm sure that I am not the only one who does this, in fact, I am fairly sure this is true of most everybody but as the year narrows down to an end I can't help but look back on the past year as look forward to the year to come and all that it will bring.

          Looking back on the past year I have so much to be grateful for. 2012 is definitely up the on the best years so far. This year, like all years, has had its ups and downs but they were part of the year and made it what it was. I can't forget the hard times and only remember the good times, if I did that would I really learn anything? The past is a part of us and who we are, whether it is good or bad. We can't just forget about it, it lead us to where we are today and shaped us into the people we are today. Everything we experience and everyone that we interact with makes us into who we are, whether we choose to see it or not. But back to the good things. Like I said earlier, this past year has been one of the best year so far, in my 20 years of living. So much has happened in the past year, and I have grown so much since last January. In the past year I have learned about love, and friendships, I have learned to accept change. I have grown deeper in my relationship with God, and learned who I am as a person and who I want to be when I "grow up." I have been reminded about the importance of family and to quote The Avett Brothers, "there is nothing worth sharing, like the love that lets us share our name." Over the past year, I have developed deeper friendship with people who are amazing people that I can't imagine life without now. They are the types of friendship that I know will last years and years. I've begun the journey to discover where I am supposed to be in life and what exactly I am meant to do with my life.

          With this year now behind me, I guess I really having nothing else to do than to look forward to the year to come. In the next year, I will turn 21 and begin my senior year of college, talk about some major life moments. I hope this coming year will be full of laughter and happiness, learning and growing and full of many wonderful memories. Honestly, I have no earthly idea what is in store for me this next year, and surprisingly I am ok with that. I used to be there person who grew anxious not knowing things, I absolutely hated surprises, but like I said I have changed. I'm excited to see what is in store for me this next year. Bring on the surprises God!

         Surprisingly, I don't have much to say today or recently really. I am kind of at a writers block if you can call it that. Hopefully with the new year comes new inspiration... I guess we will just have to wait and see. With all that said, I wish you all the Happiest New Year!! God Bless!

What is Beauty?

          I have been think a lot recently about the idea of beauty. What exactly is beauty? What does it mean to be beautiful? We can look at something or at someone and say "wow, that thing or that person is absolutely beautiful, beauty radiates from them." We say this, but what do we mean by it? What is it that makes the thing or person beautiful? Maybe they are flawless, there is not scratch or imperfection to be found. Maybe they show no sign of weakness or when you look at them they are soft and pleasurable to your eyes. Beauty is such a complex and intricate subject. It truly is in the eye of the beholder. What one person may view as beautiful, another may view as just average. This makes it all the more difficult to try and describe beauty or what being beautiful entails.

          Today's society has complete misconstrued the definition of beauty and what it means to be beautiful. We see magazine covers and television shows that basically idolized these perfect, flawless, skinny and stunning women, and that is what we are taught is beautiful. People look at these women and want to be them because that is what society says is beautiful and if we want to be beautiful we must be a size 0, perfectly toned and have a flawless complexion. The harsh truth is that most everyone will never be like that. I wonder too, if we were to become like that, would we truly be happy? To be that kind of "beautiful," by society's standards, you are always going to have to try harder, give up more of who you are, and stray farther from your true self. It is a never ending cycle. I was shocked when a few summers ago, an adorable perfectly health and fit nine year camper came up to me and said she wanted to go on a diet and lose weight so she could be prettier. Really? What has the world come to if a skinny and precious little 9 year old says she has to lose weight to become more beautiful. It just makes my heart ache.

         Every now and then, I hear a song on the radio or see a commercial on TV about being beautiful that actually makes me smile and think "where has this been all along, these are the things women and little girls need to hear." There are campaigns like the Dove True Beauty Campaign, which is campaign to challenge beauty stereotypes and encourage self-confidence and self-acceptance in women of all ages. This is the video that Dove put out talking about beauty:

         Not only are there videos and campaigns like the Dove campaigns above but there are also song about this idea of true beauty. For example there are songs like "What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction, and they talk about all the things that make a girl beautiful and not once in the song do they mention said girl being flawless, yet they talk about how she is shy and insecure and that she doesn't even know that she is beautiful. There are songs like "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars, where a guy is singing to a girl telling her she is amazing just the way that she is and that he wouldn't change anything about her. She doesn't believe him and he said is is sad to think that she doesn't even see what he sees. It's a common thing. Someone will tell a girl or a woman that she is beautiful but she won't believe it. We are our worst critics, we always find something wrong with ourselves, and its no wonder when our idea of beautiful is impossible to reach.

          This who subject is really close to me and is something that we spend a lot of time on trying to teach young girls about at camp. Being beautiful is so much more than just looks. Being beautiful is being confident in your own skin and believing in yourself, and standing up for youself. Being beautiful is being kind and caring. Being beautiful is how you are as a person and how you make others feel about themselves. Being beautiful is being the best version of yourself on the inside and out. It is looking for the good in others, and speaking words of kindness. Beauty is what you believe it to be.

          It took me a very long time and it was a rough journey to get to where I am today concerning the idea of beauty. It wasn't easy but I am finally at the point where I can look at the mirror whether all dressed up or in yoga pants and a t-shirt and can think, "I actually am beautiful." When I say it was a long, rough journey, I am not underestimating a bit. I am sure it is probably this way for most young women. I was always the girl in middle school, high school and even the first two years of college that never thought I was good enough or always thought something was missing, I could always be better. I was told multiple times that I was pretty and beautiful and smart and kind, but there was something within me doubting everything that I was told. Why do we do this? We never believe it when someone compliments us, and we can always find flaws in ourself. Are we scared to believe that we are beautiful? Do we not think we deserve to be beautiful? Do we think that the only way to be beautiful is to look like the women on magazine covers? Our fears are the only things holding you back from being beautiful. Remember, nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.

Radiant Dawn

          I was on Facebook this afternoon, and I saw that my friend from camp, who is now a priest, had shared his Christmas Mass homily. It is so beautiful, peaceful and touching that I had to share it.

Father Luke Millette's Christmas Homily:
While I was in seminary at Rome, we held a competition every year to see who could decorate their hall best for Christmas. So one year my hall decided to paint posters with the "O Antiphons." For those who don't know, the O Antiphons are 7 different titles of Jesus which are used during the 7 days leading up to Christmas. Even if you don't know these titles, all of us have sung them in the song "O come O come Emmanuel" when we sing O Emmanuel, O Wisdom from on high, O Lord of might, and the like. Everything was going well with the decorations until someone got the bright idea to send me up to the roof to burn the edges of the posters so that they would look like old scrolls. Without going into details, we will just say that the poster depicting "Radiant Dawn" truly did light up the night and became a little more crispy than I intended...

Our celebration of the birth of our Savior falls near the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year, when night seems to reign supreme. Throughout time, every culture has celebrated the solstice in some way, and a common feature between all seems to be an exaltation of light, a reminder that no matter how dark the night, the light will always return. While many have tried to equate the Christian celebration of Christmas with some of these ancient pagan rituals, most modern scholarship shows that the differences between them are far greater than the similarities, so no strict correspondence actually exists between the two. What we do see, however, is a desire which existed throughout every culture that one day the darkness will truly lift, a desire which was only fully realized with the coming of Christ, the true dawn.

Unfortunately, sometimes it seems as if darkness still reigns supreme. All we must do is lift our newspapers to see stories of darkness, violence and hatred. Our own lives are often filled with tragedies and grief. Many of us here might be suffering joblessness or financial difficulties. Many of us might be suffering from bad health or mourning the death of a loved one. Many of us might be faced with brokenness, sorrow, despair, doubts and fears. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, the darkness still seems so dark.

Yet, in the midst of this darkness, in a small dim room hollowed out of a cave in the little town of Nazareth, an angel appeared to a young Jewish girl and asked her to bear forth the Son of God to the world. And in this place, hope blossomed and a light was kindled. Such a small flickering light, seemingly too small to push back the darkness. But Mary carried this light, and let it grow within her womb, until one fateful day, as the whole world huddled under the darkest of nights, a small child was born in a stable. Such a small, seemingly insignificant child, and yet, scripture tells us that all heaven and earth broke forth in rejoicing in the midst of the darkness. Angels appeared to shepherds in the field, shining forth in brilliant light, shining like the stars in the sky, proclaiming the glad tidings that the Radiant Dawn had arrived. Even a star guided the way to where He lay. All of heaven and earth shone with light at the coming of the King. As John says in the beginning of his gospel, Christ, "the true light who enlightens everyone has come into the world," and this "light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

All of the liturgies and rituals and traditions leading up to Christmas prepare us for the coming of the light. We decorate our houses and trees with lights. The Advent wreath becomes increasingly brighter and brighter with more and more lit candles the closer we come to Christmas. Again and again, we are reminded that Christ is our light! The point is that no matter how dark it gets, the darkness will not conquer. Darkness can only exist where there is no light, and the barest flicker of light, no matter how dim, will always dispel the darkness. 

Christ is our light! Christ is the true radiant dawn who dispels the darkness! As long as we believe this, as long as we cling to this, our hearts will always be filled with hope, a hope that no darkness can extinguish. This is the source of our Christmas joy, turning us into a people of hope, as we are reminded that the darkness has been dispelled with the rising of the Radiant Dawn. If we cling to this, our hearts can always be filled with joy, hoping and believing and knowing that the darkness, no matter how dark it may seem, will never defeat us.

When the spirit descended upon Mary, she was alone in a small dark room, where hope seemed dim. Yet, more than 30 years later, she sat in an Upper Room, surrounded by her Son's followers, as they were all bathed in tongues of fire. That light, which seemed so small at the beginning, turned into a raging fire which set the world ablaze. As long as we have faith in the love of Jesus Christ, our hearts will never grow dim, our hope will never fail, and we will never be alone. For Christians, Christmas is a time of new beginnings. A time when we are reminded that no matter how battered and bruised we may feel, the night will never conquer us. The true dawn has come, and a light has broken into our hearts which will never fade. So we must awaken and allow our hearts to hope again. We must allow our hearts to believe and trust that the true light has come, a light which will never fade. As scripture tells us, "Awake O sleeper, arise from the dead, and Christ will be your light."

As I later reflected on how our poster which depicted the "Radiant Dawn" ended up in flames on that dark night, I was struck by how appropriate it truly was. Christ truly is the Radiant Dawn, a light which dispels the darkness of the night, a light which the darkness can never extinguish. May the love of Christ blaze in each of our hearts, a blaze that no darkness will ever quench.

The Gift of Giving

           Well, I guess I should start off by saying Merry Christmas!!! It's a little past midnight here so it's officially Christmas, officially Jesus's Birthday!! I absolutely love Christmas, it is by far my favorite holiday. I don't just like Christmas Day, but I love the whole Christmas season and everything that comes along with it. I love the cool weather, the sound of Christmas music filling the air, the aromas of fur tree and cinnamon and candles filling the air, the way that our family room is always lit by the sparkling lights on the Christmas tree. I love the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping, being surrounded by friends and family, and Christmas baking. I have so many delightful memories from Christmas growing up, whether they were spent here in Greenville, or else where. I hold the traditions of the Christmas Season near and dear to my heart. In fact, we just set out the cookies for Santa in the leaving room and I'm sure tomorrow we will get the annual picture of all 4 kids sitting on the stairs before going to open presents. Only, it won't be a 8 am like it was when we were kids. The only somewhat redeeming factor about my father being on call over Christmas is that since he has to do rounds at 9 am, we get to sleep in until 10 or so before opening presents and having brunch. I am just praying that that is the only time that he has to go in tomorrow. We will only have a few hours together as a whole family (since Daniel has a flight at 6 pm tomorrow to go back to Houston) and I want to make the most of that time.

          I must say, my favorite part about Christmas is not getting presents or anything like that. My favorite thing about Christmas is watching the excitement and the smile on people's faces when they open a gift that you have given them. When I was younger, I don't think that I thought much about giving gifts, most kids probably don't. Like most kids, I had my whole list for Santa of things that I wanted and was more excited to receive gifts than to give them. However, I have grown and matured and changed and now I am the complete opposite. When it came to giving my mother a Christmas list this year, I could barely think of anything to put on it. Receiving gifts is not as important to me as it used to be. It is giving to others that gives me joy. Happiness does not result from what we get, but from what we give. 

         There is something so special to me about giving to others. I have always been this way, and it is an integral part of my character and who I am as a person. When I refer to giving I don't always mean giving physical things, although I do love that. I am the type of person who will see a little something in a store or on vacation and it reminds me of something a friends or a loved one who like, so I get it for them. I love leaving people little surprises like that. When I refer to giving, I mean so much more that that. We, as humans and as children of God have been given the capacity to give on a much deeper level than physical goods, We have the ability to give our time and ourself to others. Like I said earlier, this is a huge part of my life. It is so important to me and the reason why I did service in high school, why i joined the Micah program at SLU, why I hope to go on a mission trip over spring break, and part of why I want to become a nurse. I want to give to others and see that smile on their face when they realize that I care for them and want them to be happy.

          I am still in awe about how able we are to give and to such on such a deep level. This goes way past just giving gifts. We are able to give our time to others, to help them when they are most in needs. We are able to give our trust to others, and our honesty. We have the capacity to give our hearts to someone and love them unconditionally. We give the gift of friendship, companionship, and so much more. We have all these wonderful things to give, but we don't always give them. We either feel like we need a special occasion like Christmas or birthdays to give or we are hesitant. I wish this were not the case, I wish more people would be open to giving at any moment. I believe that giving is a gift, because you receive so much that you would never expect when you give to others. There is no real way for me to explain that, so I just urge you to go out and try it. Trust me, the gift of giving is one of the greatest gifts you will ever receive. 

Merry Christmas!!

Dinner Parties and Deb Balls

          I have yet to be home for a full week and I already feel like I have been doing stuff non-stop. I arrived home late Monday night and have surprisingly spent a good deal of my time home, tucked in my bed fast asleep. In fact, the first night that I was home I probably slept a good 14 hours. It may seem like a long time, but it was a much needed sleep after the lack of sleep from exams week... When I haven't been sleeping I feel like I am always doing something whether it be Christmas shopping, seeing friends, running errands for my parents, reading (I have already read 2 whole books since being home!), or watching Games of Thrones (which I was reluctant to watch until my friend Mike convinced me of it, and now I am a bit addicted...). I could not be any happier to be home. I don't think I can even find the words to describe how much I have missed home recently. I have missed my family, my pets, my friends, my mother's cooking, the warmth of my bed, and the southern comfort of Greenville. I don't only miss my home, I miss the South. I won't deny that one bit. I go to school in the mid-west, which really isn't that different than here, but at the same time they are so different. I miss sweet tea, the friendliness of everyone around, being able to run into someone you know almost everywhere you go, southern food and the beautiful warm weather, I could probably go on and on.

          This past week, I was thrown back into Southern/Greenvillian culture at full force. I went downtown the other night with some friends and low and behold, ran into probably 40+ kids that I went to high school with. It was basically an informal reunion, which was great since I don't get to see them that often, one of the downfalls of not staying in state to go to college. And leave it to Christ Church kids to travel in packs and have these large impromptu reunions, this is our life. I'm not complaining at all, I really do love it, but if you know my high school or went there, you know this is pretty typical. Who can blame us? We went to a school with 300 kids, 70 in our grade and half of us had been in school together since kindergarden and almost all of us together since lower school. We grew up together.

         Also, since arriving home we have already hosted two small dinner parties. On Friday night we had my best friend Anna and her parents over for dinner, which has become quite a lovely tradition. I'm not sure when our parents started becoming such good friends but I feel like ever since the Kokens came sailing with us for Spring Break senior year, they have been lovely friends. And then tonight we had a second small dinner party with our friends Kathy and Eric, and my cousin Carlos came too. Daniel came home today! He only gets to stay for a few days and ends up having to leave on Christmas day but it very nice to have him in town even if only for a few days. So Daniel was at dinner tonight as well as Ellen and her friend Mary.

          Here is where things get really Southern. Last night, I attended the Debutante Ball. I took my friend Connor (who goes to Wash. U, about 3 miles from SLU) as my date and we went with my friend Rebecca and her friends from University of Richmond. It was an absolutely lovely evening! I feel like this is the part where all my northern/mid-western friends will begin to roll their eyes... It is a white tie event, so all the girls go in evening gowns and have to wear long white gloves, and all the guys must be in tails and white gloves as well. So classy, I know. The event takes place near downtown at the Poinsett Club, which is all decorated for Christmas and stunning. The debutantes are debuted by their parents and/or grandparents and after that the evening is full of dancing and socializing. It was the epitome of classy southern society. I know this probably sounds completely ridiculous and you might not understand it, but when we were at the ball last night, I felt so at home. More at home than I have in a long time, like I said I miss the South. I am a southern girl at heart, and will always hold all things southern near and dear to my heart. Yes, I live in the mid west now but the south will always be my home. The ball was packed last night, there were close to 600 people there!! And I am completely serious when I say that probably close to 75-100 of them were recent graduates of Christ Church. Which once again it was so nice to see and catch up with people that I haven't seen in a very long time, but it doesn't surprise me that that many people from high school were there. It was the type of event that Christ Church graduates would be at. I was so sad to see the Deb Ball end, but I have so many great, fun memories from last night.

          Well, it is 12:02 AM on Monday, which means it is officially Christmas Eve! I should probably get some sleep. So until next time, enjoy a few photos from the ball!

Wallflower

Wallflower: a type of loner. shy folks who no one really knows. Someone who chooses to observe rather than experience life. They see things and they understand.        

          About a week ago, I watched the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" for the first time. I have never read the book, although it is on my to-do list for Christmas Break, and I kind of wish I had before seeing the movie. But it was one of those "I am extremely bored and tired of studying and will doing anything to procrastinate from studying" thoughts and so I watched it, and I absolutely loved it! If you haven't seen the movie yet, you should definitely watch it! If was a fabulous and beautiful story, and there were some tears shed through out the movie. It is a coming of age film about a shy introverted freshman, Charlie, in high school, who is really just trying to find his way in life, who becomes best friends with two seniors (who are half siblings) Sam and Patrick. They sort of take Charlie under their wing and in a way introduce him to the real world. It's story about growing up, friendships, discovering who you are. A story about love and life and overcoming all those things that we let hold us back. I could go on and on about it but I feel like I can't do the movie justice. 

          It's one of those movies where no matter where in your life you are at this moment, something said in the movie will influence you and impact you in some way or another. One of my favorite quotes from the movie is spoken when Charlie comes out of treatment for depression and he says "We can't choose where we come from, but we can choose were we go from there. I know it isn't all the answers but it is enough to start putting these pieces together." We can't change the past. We can't change the life we were born into. As much as people wish they could change these things, life just doesn't work that way. But the future is in our hands. We can decide where we want to go, what we want to make of ourself and we can decide on the person we want to be. 

"I don't know if I will have the time to write anymore letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So if this does end up being the last letter I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school and you helped me. Even if you didn't know what I was talking about or know someone who has gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don't happen. And there are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite."