Ho Hey

I was online yesterday and happened to come across this video. And to say the least, I am quite obsessed.

The Voice

The Most Asked Question in College

            What am I doing with my life? I feel like overall, this is the most commonly asked question in college. We're grown-ups now, or so they say. We've moved out of home, live on our own and have to fend for ourselves. College is a time of transition, where we begin the process from our sheltered home life, to the big and somewhat scary real world. We are "suppose" to figure out what we are going to do with our life and what it is we are passionate about. And hopefully by the time graduation rolls around and we accept our diploma, we will know what we what to do with our life. Right? Isn't this what people tell us? What we are led to believe?

          Maybe some of us will leave college knowing what it is we want to do with our lives, some of us may have 5-year or 10-year plans. Or maybe will will have an idea of what we want to do. Some may even leave college more confused than we came about what we want to do with our life. I came into college having an idea of what I wanted to do, I was going to be a nurse. That was about all that I knew. Then of course I had the, what I like to call, "quarter life crisis." I had about the month or two freakout where all I could think about was "what am I doing with my life? what if I am making the wrong decision? I have no clue what I want in life or what I want to do in life?" For me this was so nerve wrecking and only made me more anxious than I normally am. It wasn't until this semester really that I began to actually realize what it is I am passionate and know what I want to do when graduation rolls around. I don't have all the answers yet but I know what I am now passionate about enough to have an idea of what I want.

         I have always been a caring person. I love helping other people and caring for them. It just makes me happy and brings joy to my life. I was reading a book of poems by Emily Dickinson the other day (I decided recently that I want to read more poetry) and one of her poems describes one of my philosophies perfectly:

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

        Isn't it beautiful? It's that part of me that helped me develop my passion for pediatric oncology. I always knew that I wanted to work with children when I graduate but it wasn't until last year that it became pediatric oncology. I have never watched a family member suffered from the fight with cancer until this year when my step-grandmother was diagnosed with Follicular Lymphoma, but thankfully they caught her cancer early and it is not a very aggressive cancer. Starting last year was really my first deep connection to a child with cancer. In the fall, my aunt Beth asked if she could give my name out to one of her friends to babysit, and naturally I said yes. Little did I know that little girl and her family would have such a strong influence in one of the largest decisions of my life so far. There are three kids in the family, Liam, Aiden and Arianna. Arianna, the youngest, is currently fighting Stage 4 Neuroblastoma, a devastating and very aggressive cancer found in young children. When I first met Ari, she was free of cancer and before she went into Remission. This family is amazing. They boys are typical little boys and Ari is a precious little princess. I quickly fell in love with the family. I loved getting to know them and see their family dynamic as they dealt with and lived with such a life-changing disease. Last Thanksgiving when I found out that Ari went into remission, I didn't know what to think. I was shocked and devastated and sad. My emotions were overwhelming. It was in working with this family and caring for the children that I developed such a deep passion for pediatric cancer. Ari is  a constant ray of sunshine in my life, a source of inspiration, and an example of strength, courage and true beauty. I don't know what is one the road ahead for Ari, but I do know that she is one of the strongest girls I know and she is a true fighter!

Her is a video to a song that Ari wrote: http://www.ksdk.com/news/article/365544/4/New-music-program-helps-kids-rock-cancer

          This semester I have had the pleasure of doing my pediatric rotation on the Hematology/Oncology Floor at Children's Hospital here in Saint Louis. I am so blessed that I was put on this floor because it only further helped me realize that this is what I want to do in life. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am. 

          What am I doing with my life? I don't know all the answers. I know some but not all of them. And there is nothing wrong with that. I don't think I will ever know all the answers. I think figuring out what you want to do in life is a learning process. It a process that is taken step by step. There are endless possibilities. And the beauty of it is, we can choose to go and do what we want to do. No one else can choose that for us.

5 things

So, the other day one of my former counselors turned best friends, Amanda tagged me in a post called "5 things." The whole idea of it is that I am supposed to disclose 5 random things that my blog readers (even I even have those....) may not know about me. Even though I have basically done nothing for the past few days, I never seemed to get around to writing this post. It could be possibly due to the fact that I have know idea what to write.... I am a pretty private person and keep a lot of things to myself, but I still am lost for words when it comes to this. So, bear with me. Here goes nothing.

"5 Things"

1. I surprising love to sing. I am not a good singer by any means, but I do love singing. If I could have one talent that I don't have it would be to be musically inclined and have a good singing voice. I am type of person who will burst into song in the car, or in the shower, or while cooking dinner. BUT, only if I am alone. I can't sing in front of other people, even if it is just me and one other person. It scares me to death. I have only ever sang in front of one person once in my whole life, and even that took about 4 or 5 months of nagging and asking before I finally gave in. And I can promise that that won't happen again until... well I don't know, I don't plan on it being anytime soon.

2. Growing up, I was a Barbie collector. You may be thinking, didn't all little girls have Barbies. These were not just like the regular old Barbies that you play with on a day to day basis. NO, these were like the special collector Barbies that came in the nice box with the stand and everything. I think that I must have at least 10-15 collector Barbies that are still on the bookshelf in my room back home, and they will probably stay there for until I have a little girl of my own way day, and then I will give them to her. I can't even remember all the Barbies that I have. There is Scarlett O'Hara, The Sugar Plum Fairy, Swan Lake, Rupunzel, two different Brides, a Winter Princess and my favorite, Harpist Angel. I actually got Harpist angel when I was younger and one day she went missing, I was probably 9 or 10 when she went missing. And then for my 18th birthday, my senior year of high school my sister found the Barbie online and got it for me. It made me so happy!!!

Isn't she beautiful??

3. I was a dancer. I know right? I am not musically inclined and am not actually a very good dancer despite having danced from age 3 to age 12. For nine years I danced Ballet, Jazz, and Pointe. I loved it too. I loved getting dressed up in leotards and skirts and tutus. I loved putting my hair in buns, and lacing up my pointe shoes. I even loved the ridiculous costumes that I had to wear. (I've been jill from jack and jill, a sunflower, a dinosaur girl, yankee doodle dandy and many others....). Here is a picture from my very first ballet recital when I was 3 or 4 years old. The story behind this is that the day before my dance recital I was getting out of a friends van and tripped and hit my face on the curb resulting in a black eye and a big strawberry patch on my cheek. I look very happy right?

I was a cute child right?

4. I was one of the editors-in-cheif of both the Yearbook and the Delphian (the literary magazine) in  high school. I was on the yearbook staff from grade 10-12 and on the Delphian all four years of high school and absolutely loved it! I know that a lot of time I joke about not being creative or not being artistic, but I actually am to some extent.... Both my senior year yearbook and the Delphian from my senior year are some of my proudest accomplishments from high school. I wish I could show them to you! The theme of the yearbook senior year was "Redefine the Impossible" and it was the 50th year of CCES so that was kinda of cool, and the theme of the Delphian was "Carnival."

Yearbook Editors

5. I have probably the strangest list of family pets over the past 21 years of my life. At the moment we have 2 dogs, Daisy and Juno, and two cats, Chico and Trix. My brother also has a dog, Domino, which is over at our house a lot. Daniel and Vanessa have two cats, Papaya and Kiwi. However, over the span of my life time we have had 4 gerbils, multiple gold fish, multiple beta fish, multiple saltwater fish including angel fish and other weird fish, geckos, some other weird lizard that had teeth and would bark at me whenever I walked by it, and tree frogs. I feel like I am forgetting something but maybe not. We basically had our own zoo in the Antworth Household. Although I loved having so many different pets growing up, I think that when I am older and have a family of my own, I am going to limit our pets to just cats and dogs.

Beautiful Weather, Beautiful Music

     So, two weeks ago we were trudging to class in about 9 inched of snow. However, since then the weather has made a complete 180. The past few days have been nothing less then beautiful. It has been in the 70's and sunny all weekend! Campus has come alive this weekend! I spent probably 6 hours outside sunday and another 4 hours outside yesterday, just laying in the sun reading. It was perfect. And of course with beautiful weather, you have to listen to beautiful music. Here is just a preview of what has been playing on repeat the past few days.

The Hardest Person to Trust

         So, this past weekend I was in Houston with my sister visiting my brother and his girlfriend, Vanessa. Saturday we were laying out by the pool just relaxing, doing nothing, which was so nice and very much needed. I love those times when you don't have to worry about anything, but can just relax and be present. It seems though that these are the moments when I start going "philosophical" and have those deep inner dialogues. Which of course was what happened this weekend, a lot actually. I guess I just had a lot on my mind to sift through. No matter how mindlessly my thoughts wondered they always seemed to come back to the same thing idea, trust. Great, my favorite subject..... not at all. Trust has always been a difficult area. I can't really pin point why, but I'll try to explain it to the best of my ability.

         Trust. That assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something. I have always had a love-hate relationship with trust. It has been like this for as long as I can remember. I have always had a hard time trust other people, which I think has probably been a downfall in some of my failed friendships. It is not that I don't believe that said people are untrustworthy or that they aren't capable of being strong and able and trusting. That isn't it at all, because they all were. But for some odd reason, there is something within me that keeps pulling me back whenever I go to trust someone. I know how frustrating it can be, I have gotten the "you don't trust me?" or the "why? why can't you just trust me?" multiple times in friendships and relationships. I wish I could give them the answer, but the only thing that seems to be the answer is "I don't know." obnoxious right? So, this is what has been on pestering me for the past however many days. 

       When I sit and think about it I think the reason that I have such a hard time trusting others is that in order to trust someone you have to become vulnerable, which I highly detest, with a passion. I don't like being vulnerable. I guard and shelter myself. I don't break easily. For as long as I can remember, I have always associated being vulnerable, with being weak, and being weak is definitely a big fear of mine. However, it wasn't until recently that I began to realize that it actually takes a great deal of strength to be vulnerable. I would say that I have very close friends, but even when them I keep a certain comfortable distance that will keep me feeling safe and protected. Because of this I have come to realize that I am a pretty hard person to really get to know. I mean, a lot of my friends know me but at the same time there is so much that they don't know about me, but once again, all my fault. I want people to know the real me, I want to be able to trust others enough to let them get to know that part of me.

        I think the thing that gets me is, that in all honesty, the absolute hardest person for me to trust is myself. I feel like most people can trust themselves no problem, it's just trusting others that is the issue. I can't do either. But I do think that it is harder for me to trust myself than it is for me to trust others. I have always be an indecisive person.... It's not that I can't make a decision, but I can't trust myself to make the right decision, so I keep second guessing myself over and over again. You would think that the easiest person to trust is yourself right? Who knows you better than you? If only it were that easy for me. I think that in order to really be able to trust yourself, you need to know who you are as a person and have an idea of what you what in life. I feel like as I grow older, I learn that there is so much that I don't know about myself. This year though, I have learned more about myself than I can possibly imagine. It is like the rock bottom thing, you have to hit rock bottom in order to realize what you want in life and realize where you what to go from there. Not only where you want to go and what you want to be. Slowly I am beginning to trust myself a little bit more... I noticed that I am beginning to trust myself in making decision without the help of others and that I trust myself to know what is good for me and what is important to me. It's a slow and somewhat torturous process, but it is coming along. I guess we will just have to wait and see where it goes from here.