Fear's only a Habit

          
            I know that a while ago I may have touched on fear, but recently it has really be prevalent and pressing in my life for multiple reasons. It is one of those emotions that is always somewhere inside of us, but when we are at our weakest or at our strongest (in my case recently) it just seems to hover inside us more than usual. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like recently I am the strongest I have been in a while, which is surprising for me considering everything that has gone on this year. Maybe we have to be at our weakest point before we can make it to the height of our strength. Although it sucked at the time, I think that it made me appreciate my strength that much more. And even though I feel like I am the strongest now that I have been in very long time, I feel like I have never been more troubled by fear. But like it is said above, fear is natural. In fact it is good, for the reason that it shows us we are growing. 

            Fear is an odd emotion. It is what holds me back, but at the same time it is what motivates me to keep going forward. It is as if I am being torn into two opposite directions and I don't know which side will win. Fear is a prison, on which the outside lies freedom. The only problem is that, we hardly ever know how to get out of the imprisonment. As much as I don't want it to be the case, I have come to realize that the only way to do this is to actually face our fears and do something about it, rather than to just try and ignore them. Which is what I am trying to do one by one, face my fears. I'm "attempting" to face my fear of the unknown, the fear of rejection, and the fear of opening up. And slowly but surely these fear seem to be slipping away. I've realized, for me at least, that one of the easiest ways to face our fears is to replace them with curiosity. Don't fear the unknown, be curious about it. Don't fear opening up to others, be curious about all the great things that can come of being open to others. 

            When you finally overcome your fears you can realize what it is like to live freely, live with nothing holding you back.   

             Fear is just a habit, if we work hard enough we can break it.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself- 

nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror 

which paralyzes needed efforts

to convert retreat into advance."

-FDR

Another day, Another year

         Well, it's that time if the year again. A little less than a week ago was my 21st birthday. Surprisingly, it is really weird for me to think that I am 21. This is what everyone waits for for so long and now that it is here, I really don't feel any different. In fact, saying that I am 21 is kinda weird. I feel so old (which obviously isn't the case...).

         I have never really been one to really like birthdays. It has been like that for a while. I know that it is just my personality. I don't like being the center of attention and having everyone focus on me, which is the case with birthdays. And to be completely honest, I have a love-hate relationship with growing older. I want to grow up and continue to grow as a person and I am extremely excited for where my life is going to take me. I can't wait to experience new things, have grand adventures and one day way in the future settle down and start a new life with someone. However, on the other hand, growing up scares me. I'm scared of not knowing where life is going to take me. I'm not ready to give up "being a kid" or "being young". I guess it is time that I start getting used to it though considering that growing up is inevitable. The ship to Neverland already set sail.

          I guess if I do have to grow older, I might as well celebrate it surrounded by my family and my best friends. Turning 21 is such a special year, and I could not have asked for a better way to spend it. It was definitely a night to remember, and one that thankfully I actually will remember :) I was so fortunate that both my mom and my little sister were able to come into town for my birthday weekend. I was so happy that I was able to spend time catching up and hanging out with my little sister. After Ellen flew in Friday night we had dinner at my aunts and then just hung out all night at the house. Saturday was spent just the two of us. We went to the art museum, to lunch a Blueberry Hill and then shopping at the Loop and the Galleria. I forgot how much I love hanging out with Ellen and how funny she is. I think that this sister bonding time was just what the both of us needed. We have each had a pretty rough year in our own ways, and i think that spending a weekend together was just what we needed to get our minds off of things. I had tons of fun and I only hope that she had just as much fun.

          Saturday night was the night. The night of my birthday party. The night that I turned 21 at midnight. I don't know any other way to describe it than that it was absolutely perfect. I could not have asked for a better night. My sister was there to celebrate with me, I was surrounded by my best friends, our party had a southern theme and I got to wear a gold sequins dress. How could the night get anymore perfect?????? It was a night full of dancing, smiling, singing and laughing. At midnight I even got to go to Humphrey's to take a shot of my plunger (it is a Saint Louis tradition). The only way the night could have been any more perfect was if some of my friends from back home were there to celebrate with me. I know that they wished they could have been there too. However, since they couldn't be there, I just had to imagine that they were there in spirit. It was a night I will never forget. It was perfect.

          I guess now that I am technically a legal adult, I should probably begin to accept that fact. Don't you think so? I may no longer be a kid but I refuse to completely lose the child in me. I still have a childlike heart. I don't know if I will ever lose that.

          Here's to being another year older and another year of laughing and smiling. Here's to another year full of wonderful memories.

Daily Thought

Pure Happiness

The Perfect Morning

       

             So, it may only be 9:15 in the morning but already this day has been nothing less than perfect. I woke up about 2 hours ago to go to mass at the Cathedral Basilica, which was beautiful and peaceful as always. I'm now sitting in the Starbucks in the CWE, which is surrounded on three sides by windows that currently have steady streams of rain running down them. The rain doesn't bother me. In fact, it only makes this day more perfect. It is a calm, peaceful and easy morning. Actually right now, I can't  get the song "Easy"by Lionel Richie out of my head, it just fits so perfectly in this moment.

          If I could describe the way that I am feeling in only one word right now it would be this, Happy. I am in a state of pure happiness. In fact, I have to admit that the past few days, the whole semester so far really, I have just been overall happy. If you know me well, and know my history, you know that this is a HUGE deal for me. Generally it is the other way around, that I am more indifferent and unhappy than I am happy. I'm not exactly sure what has gotten into me recently but I like it. I told myself at the turn of the the new year that I was going to actively make this year different. I was going to take control of my life and take control of the way that I feel. I must admit though, that I didn't actually think that it was going to happen. It's funny how we surprise ourselves sometimes. We are our biggest critics, right?

        I wish that I could pin point what it is that is making me feel happy like this. I haven't been doing anything differently, at least I don't think so. I don't think that I have changed as a person. At the moment I am astounded at this new found happiness and ever so thankful for it. Even though I have been happy all the time these past few weeks, there have been a few moments that have stuck out to me where the only thing in my heart and mind was happiness, pure joy and contentment at where I am in my life and the path ahead of me that I have to look forward to. It all began on New Years eve, laying on the grass with Rebecca watching fireworks explode into sparkling colors in the dark sky above me. Or sitting in the hot tub in 17 degrees weather one night with my cousin while our hair froze as we sat talking about life and love and friendship. Or while laying on the floor under glowing stars, listening to a record drown out all my thoughts. And nothing can describe the happiness that I feel while at clinicals in the nursery cuddling a newborn baby as they fall asleep in my arms. (I will admit that the feeling I get while holding one of those precious little miracles only reassures me that one day, years from now, I will be a mother with children and a family of my own- it is my ultimate dream in life...) And then there is this moment, sitting drinking coffee with music in the background, blogging as rain falls gracefully from the sky. I forgot how happy writing makes me. I have just been so busy with school and studying and clinicals, etc. that I haven't been able to write on a consistant basis. But that is going to change, it has to in order for me to stay happy and sane.

          I don't think I ever want this to end. Who would, when their life is overcome with happiness? However, I know that as much I want this, eventually there will come a time when I won't be this happy, even just for a small time. So I'll enjoy this happiness as much as possible and not take it for granted. I urge you to do the same.  I'll leave you with a few words of wisdom that are on a plaque at Pretty Place, an outdoor chapel in the mountains back home.

The Way to Happiness

Keep your heart free from hate,

your mind form worry.

Live simple, accept little, give much.

Fill your life with love.

Scatter sunshine, forget self, think of others.

Do as you would be done.

Tuesday Tunes

Left Untold

          We all have our secrets. Things left untold. Secrets are kept for many reasons. Maybe the are left untold because they will hurt someone, or maybe if they are told they will be unbearable for us, or to painful for us. Franky, they may not be told because they are just embarrassing. These words, thoughts, stories, and experiences are locked away deep within our heart and the person who holds those secrets is the only person who has the power to release them. I haven't really thought about it before but maybe the reason secrets are so appealing is because it is one thing that we have absolute control over, it is something that can never be taken away from us unless we choose to let it be. 

           I have come to realize that there comes a time when some secrets become to much to hold inside, we want to tell someone but at the same time we don't want anyone we know to know our insecurities, or our vulnerabilities. I think that was the idea when Frank Warren began Post Secret in 2005. I was first introduced to Post Secret my junior year in high school when my exchange student Bec told me about it and showed me her Post Secret book. I was immediately intrigued. This guy Frank Warren who had many secrets of his own holding him down, decide to hand out pre-addressed postcards to random people on the street with simple instructions: "Tell your secret anonymously. Your secret can be a regret, fear, betrayal, desire, confession or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything- as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before." Not long after he gave out 300 initial envelopes, his mailbox was becoming packed with more and more secrets. Some were funny, some were deep and some were sad. Who would have ever thought that the idea of revealing secret could be so popular? It must be the fact that you can tell your secret and no one can trace it back to you, so in a way it is still a secret. As the secrets started pouring in, Frank began to publish them on a blog for people to read, and soon he made a book full of people's secrets.

        I had the pleasure of seeing Frank Warren speak last week when he came and gave a talk at SLU. It was a really good talk! In the span of a hour or so the room was filled with laughter, sorrow, happiness and sadness as secret were both read by Frank and told by members of the audience. (I was really tempted to get up and tell a secret, but of course I wimped out...) Since, I wimped out and couldn't tell a secret in person, I got a postcard that is soon to hold my deepest secret that I have never told and probably never will tell anyone on it. Who knows, maybe you will see it some day on the website or in a book. But the beauty of it is, that you will never know it was my secret. Thrilling right? It makes you want to send in a secret of your own. If you need some inspiration here is the postsecret blog: postsecret.com. Its worth the read.