"The Question"

          This past year, one of my old camp counselors and friends, Father Luke Millette was ordained in the Catholic Church. I first met Luke about 8 years ago when he was the head of girls paddling staff and I was one of the 8 girls in the advanced paddling group at camp. It is quite funny because back then we would always joke around and call him "daddy" since he was like a father figure in our group and now we actually call him Father Luke. This summer I had the pleasure of going to mass said by Father Luke when he came to spend a few days at camp, and it was amazing. I wish I was able to attend on of his masses every week but unfortunately that is not possible. However, Fr. Luke has been kind enough to email some of his homilies to members of the camp community. Most recently I read his homily from the 28th Sunday of Ordinary Time. It was a very moving homily for me and part of it really stuck out to me, and I want to share it.

"You see, we all search for things that will excite us and make us happy, things that will fill the empty moments of our lives whether it is reading or travelling or adventure or alcohol or drugs or dating or even sex. The problem is that these things never quite quench the thirst we find inside ourselves. It might satisfy us for a moment, or even for a few days, but eventually the adrenaline wears off, the buzz goes away, satisfaction is replaced by shame, and we end up right back where we started, just as empty as we were before.

This question is the question, the question that burns at the heart of every person that has ever lived. How do we rid ourself of this emptiness inside and replace it with a joy that lasts without ending?"

We all have times in our life where we go through a period of feeling empty. This could be emotional emptiness or spiritual emptiness. Sometimes we know the cause of this emptiness and other times we have no clue, it just suddenly makes an appearance in our life. Sometimes we cause this emptiness, sometimes someone else causes this emptiness, and other times, we cannot pinpoint the cause. When we feel empty,  the first thing that we try to do is just to fill the emptiness, because who wants to have a feeling of emptiness, a feeling that something is missing.

I want say that I am not a victim of this, but I am. In fact, this whole semester I have been feeling emotionally empty. (My housemates might not agree completely considering that to them, it probably seems like I have been on an emotional roller coaster this semester.) I think that my "emotional roller coaster" was my way of compensating for the emptiness that haunted me. I wanted/needed to feel something because I didn't want to feel the emptiness burning my insides, when the truth is that's just what I felt. I used being extremely happy or sad to try and disguise that sense of emptiness. I know this probably isn't the best thing, but it was what I was comfortable with, it alleviated the pain. I'm still trying to figure out why I keep doing this to myself, but I can't find the answer. We all do things we know we shouldn't. We know that they aren't good for us, yet we keep doing them. We do them to fill that void, but in the end they don't last. We end up right back where we started, feeling empty.

If I could go back to the exact moment when I began feeling this emptiness, I would in a heartbeat. Wouldn't we all? I won't lie, I am guilty of closing my eyes and going back in time, picturing things differently, and examining where I would be had this emptiness not come in to my life at this moment. That is all it is though, a dream. It's not real. As much as we want to go back in time, we can't. So what do we do? Where do we go from here? I wish I knew the answer to that, but I don't think I ever will. Do we hope that what caused the emptiness will return to fill our heart and soul again? What if we found that one thing but lost it, let it go? Do we find something to fill that emptiness temporary?  Or do we wait? Do we wait for that one thing that will forever fill our heart with joy and rid us of that emptiness? I don't know.

Can you feel the question burning deep in your heart? How do we rid ourself of this emptiness inside and replace it with a joy that lasts without ending?

Stay Happy

          So, as I was sitting around babysitting and procrastinating from all the studying that I should have been doing, I stumbled upon this video called "Stay Happy"

"Expectation is the root of all heartache"

          I couldn't help but watch this video multiple times in a row because it just spoke to me and really made me think. "Stay Happy," that is the message. We only have one life to live, or as the common saying says, YOLO ("you only live once.") So, why aren't we all living it to the fullest? When the time comes that my life is nearing an end, I don't want to look back on my life and have nothing to show for it. I want to look back on a life where I breathed in every moment like it was my last, a life with no regrets, a life full of laughter and emotion, a life well lived. I think that it is so common to take everything in life for granted, but more commonly we take life itself for granted. We have been given the chance to live and some people never get that opportunity. There are people whose lives are cut short by cancer, tragic accidents, and sickness, who would give anything to have just one more day to live. Yet, here we are, often wishing the day would be over or wishing that we were older. We are so blessed, each and everyone of us, but we often forget this because we are taking things for granted. Why do we do this? Why do we so commonly take life for granted? How can we learn the value of life? Will we ever learn the value of life?

          1 in 10 Americans suffer from depression (I'm currently taking Psych/ Mental Health Nursing). That's a lot of people suffering from depression, and depression isn't a fun thing. Trust me, I know this. It's an illness that people deal with their whole lives. It's not something that they can just wake up one day and decide they are done dealing with it, although I am sure many people with depression would give anything for that to be the case, but sadly it isn't. It can get better though. It is a slow and progressive process to get better. Since it is impossible for people with depression to decide that they don't want to be depressed anymore, I think that the best thing to do is to try everyday to just be happy. Just because today was a terrible day, doesn't mean tomorrow isn't going to be the best day of your life. Yes, they may still have depression, but if everyday they try to be happy, the depression won't be such a prominent part of their daily life. It won't own them. That's what I'm doing, and so far it is working.

          "Staying Happy" isn't easy. As much as I wish that is was easy to "stay happy," there is a part of me that is glad that it isn't extremely easy. Honestly, sometimes is it just hard to be happy. I know this from personal experience. But like I said, there is a part of me that is glad that there are struggles that we encounter when trying to be happy. I know that may sound like an odd thing to say, but I do have reason behind my thinking. I truly believe that struggles make us stronger and when we reach a goal after having overcome struggles, there is such a sense of accomplishment and appreciation for what it is we accomplished. So, that's why I think that it is ok for it to be hard for a person to be happy, because if it isn't an easy journey than the end result, Being Happy, is so much more appreciated.

          When my time is up, hopefully a very long time from now, I want to look back on my life and smile. I want to know that I did everything in my power to live the fullest life possible. I don't want to live a life full of regrets and "what ifs". I want to be happy with the life I lived. I want to know that I laughed a lot and cried. I want to be the person who always had a smile on my face. I want to be the person who never let what someone else said, or the way they treated me to dictate the way I live my life or feel about myself. I want to be a person who takes chances, even when it is scary. I want to be a person who forgives people when they don't treat me right, before they even have to ask for an apology. I don't want to feel small, I want to feel important, like I meant something to at least one person. I want to feel like I was special, even if I was special to only one person.

          Life is short, we can't change that, no matter how hard we try. So, why complicate it? If you miss someone, call them. If you feel like crying, cry, just let it out. If you want something, do something about it. If you hurt someone, tell them you are sorry. If you need help, don't hesitate to ask. If someone is mean to you, forgive them even if the don't ask. If you are mean to someone and never had the time to apologize, apologize. If you miss someone, tell them, do something about it. If you made a mistake, own up to it. If you love someone, tell them. Laugh a lot. Dance like no one is watching. Don't let fear hold you back from being who you want to be or being with who you are meant to be with. Be who you want to be. Never forget you dreams. Be yourself, because no one else can. We never know what is going to happen, so, live each moment like it is your last. Don't live with regrets. Always stay happy.

New Tunes

          Well, it is Thursday, which means it is my longest day of the week. Every Thursday for the rest of the semester I will be at St. Mary's Hospital for Older Adult Clinicals from about 6:30 am until 7 pm It is an odd/ kinda sad thing when you go into the hospital before the sun rises and then don't leave until after the sun sets. The only natural light I really saw all day was the little sunlight keeping in from my patient's window. I really do love clinicals and working in the hospital but it is just so slow on an older adult floor. It is nothing compared to the busyness of SLU Hospital. Like when I say a slow day, it was excruciating. The only thing really getting me through the day was counting the number of times the lullaby played over the loud speakers. Whenever a baby is born at St. Mary's they play a lullaby over the loud speakers. Today 6 babies were born in the 12 hours that we were there! I was so excited. By the time I finally make it home from clinicals I am thoroughly exhausted so I am not going to be able to write much. Although writing would probably be the one thing that I need right now. Since I can't go into great detail of the inner workings of my mind today, I will leave you with two songs that have been stuck in my head recently. So until tomorrow when I actually have time, here they are:

And Then You by Greg Laswell

The A Team by Ed Sheeran

Wanted: Ruby Red Slippers

          Growing up, I kind of had a love hate relationship with the “Wizard of Oz.” I loved the whole story with Dorothy, the Lion, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man, but I was absolutely terrified by those creepy flying monkey things. My favorite part of the movie, probably as was everyone else’s, was at the very end when everyone got what they were went to find in Oz. Dorothy who had been trying to get home to her family for so long, was told by the wizard she just had to tap her ruby red slippers together while saying “there’s no place like home” and that is where she appear. Of course, magical ruby red slippers do not actually exist, but that would not change the fact that I would probably give anything to have them. And no, I don’t just want them because they would be a cute wardrobe addition (although that would be a plus), but because they give me what I often want most, to be home and to be with my family. I am a homebody, and always have been. I just love being at home, and in Greenville, and with my family and friends, which is why it still surprises me that I ended up going to school half way across the country. I’m glad I’m one of those people who love going home and probably would go home once a month if I could, I can’t imagine myself not being that way.

          This weekend, I got to tap my invisible ruby red slippers and go home for fall break. At the beginning of the year, I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to be able to go home at all because of my Saturday Clinical and classes, but my mom being such an amazing and wonderful mother made it work because she knew I wanted and need to come home. (One of the main incentives was probably that she missed me just as much as I miss her.) Timing could not have been more perfect, I needed to be home, needed to get away, and needed to be surrounded by the love, comfort and support that my family gives me. Although I couldn’t get home until late Saturday night (because of a pointless psych clinical), I was able to get 3 and a half days at home, and manage to skip classes Wednesday to get an extra day at home.  Fall break was relaxing and just what was needed to give me that extra burst of energy to last until Christmas. And even though I had some ups and downs over break, I wouldn’t change the time I had at home, except maybe if I could extend it.

          This fall break wasn’t just like any other break. This fall break was so special to me because it was the first time in close to a year that all my siblings and I were together. I’m obviously in Saint Louis almost all year, Daniel lives in Houston, and Stephen and Ellen live in Greenville, so we don’t get to all be together that much. Usually the only time that all four of us are together is at Christmas. My Grandma and aunt from St. Louis came to Greenville to visit, and my grandmother hasn’t seen either of my brothers since my high school graduation.  As we all grow older and start to build our own lives, it just has been rough to get us together. My mom seems be the miracle worker though. She wanted us all to be home when Eppie (my grandmother) was in town and simply wanted to have all her children under one roof together. If I know one thing about my mother, it is when it comes down to family issues like this, she will do what it takes to get what she wants. And that’s what she did. My mom was able to get me home from St. Louis, and Daniel home from Houston (we were sad that Vanessa couldn’t come though). It made me so happy to be able to be at home with the whole family. I miss them all so much. It just felt normal and comfortable having everyone home again, even if we are all almost adults now. An even more rare event than all of getting together was getting a picture of all of us, not just the kids, but also a photo with all four kids and my parents. I honestly don’t know when the last time we got a photo of all six of us together. It has to have been at least 4 or 5 years, but even that is a reach. We might not all be dressed nice or anything (in fact, Ellen doesn’t like it that much because she is in pajamas and doesn’t have make-up on), but I love it. Yes, it may not be classy, but it is all of us together which makes it so very special to me.

My wonderful family! 

          I arrived in the Carolinas to be blessed with seeing a beautiful vibrant sunset of pink and orange. When I finally made it home on Saturday night, the house was surprisingly quite. Ellen had gone out with friends and was spending the night with them, and Daniel met up with one of his best friends from high school, who is still one of his best friends today. I was able to catch up with my parents for a while which was rally nice, since I haven’t seen them in 2 months. There is something much better, more intimate, about catching up in person than over the phone. I didn’t last long before crashing because I was running off of 4 hours of sleep and had been up since 5 am. That night was probably the best night’s sleep I have had all semester. I have missed my bed, missed cuddling with my cat, and missed the comfort of knowing that my family is right down the hall if I need them. Sunday was Daniel’s last day in Greenville (He had to work Monday. Boo). So, it was kinda family day. We all just hung out around the house, and cooked out before having to take Daniel to the airport (Ellen and I got to take him to the airport in Ellen’s new car, Mata).

          Monday, I got to go shopping with my mom, aunt and grandmother. Let me tell you, taking a trip to the mall with my grandmother is quite the adventure….. Fun, but an adventure. I got a few things at the mall (thanks mommy) Probably my favorite purchase was a loose-leaf herbal tea called “winter’s romance” and a tea diffuser. This tea is amazing and reminds me of autumn and winter and is pure bliss. I don’t remember much else about this day except for probably one of the best things of my break happened that night. So if you have been around my house recently or saw my newsfeed blow up, you probably heard that a giraffe at the Greenville Zoo, was pregnant, and they had a web cam on her 24/7. So, on Monday night around 11:50 (eastern time), Autumn had the baby giraffe and I got to see it. AHHH the baby giraffe was so freaking cute. I had been waiting and watching for the baby to be born for like 2 weeks! And then it happened to be born while I was in Greenville. It’s a baby boy named Kiko. So precious! My favorite was watching it try to learn to walk which made me feel inadequate because this little giraffe learns to walk in les than an hour, and it took me a year to learn to walk. L.  Tuesday, Eppie and Carla left, and I went shopping to get southern stuff to take back to school including minted pecans, fried green tomato mix, and grits (so I can make shrimp and grits). I voted, which was really exciting because it was first presidential election I could vote in! I spent a good 4 hours of Tuesday afternoon at Stephen’s (my brother) hair salon, where I decided to go from blonde to even blonder. Ask me 6 years ago if I would ever let Stephen cut or color my hair I would have probably laughed, but now he is the only person I trust to do anything with my hair. Even though it took a while to get my hair done (he is a perfectionist with hair, and since I am his sister, I am not constrained to a time slot), I didn’t mind being at the salon with him for 4 hours. In fact, I am glad that I got to have that time with him. We were able to catch up and just talk about life. We talked about our family, and memories of growing up. I caught him up on my life and told him about school and my house and everything. I have had a lot going on this year, between school and stress. It has been a lot. I have talked to a lot of people who have given me advice, which I really appreciate, but surprisingly it was Stephen’s advice that was the most helpful and made the most since to me. Who would have thought? He is one of the most real and down to earth people I know, so I don’t know why I didn’t think to ask him earlier.

          Before leaving to go back to STL, I was able to spend time with one of my best friends, Anna, which was much needed. I have missed that girl so much.  I just wish I had been able to see Erin, but I will just have to wait until Thanksgiving. When we are back together it is like high school all over again. Nothing has changed. As great as this weekend was, I knew it had to end. So, here I sit, in 9A, 35000 ft in the air on a plane back to Saint Louis. While writing this I can’t help but stop every now and then to turn and look out the window. Slowly the mountains that I call home, that are so familiar to me have turned to rolling hills and finally into flat lands covered in farm. I am slowly getting further and further away from home, but I actually don’t mind, because being away from home has only made me appreciate it that much more.

1 month until Thanksgiving!                                                        

p.s- I forgot that I went to get my flu shot at my dad’s office since he always gives it to me. He is probably the best shot giver I have ever had, really though I couldn’t feel a thing. Then he had me give him his flu shot and his PPD (TB) skin test. The grossness of the TB test was well overcome with the fact that I actually got to give my first TB test to my dad. I was really excited that all my nursing skills are coming in handy, even outside the hospital. 

The House that Built Me

"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,

The brokenness inside me might start healing.

Out here it is like I'm someone else, 

I thought that I could maybe find myself."

~The House that Built Me

Miranda Lambert

          Everyone has that one place, the place that has had the most influence on the development on him or her as a person. Think about it. Do you have one place that had you not been there, you would not be the person you are today? Do you have a place that your mind always goes back to when you are going through a rough time and just need to get away? Do you have "a house that built you"? For me, the answer to all of those questions, "the house that built me", is Camp Kahdalea. I have had the amazing opportunity to attend Kahdalea every summer for the past 13 years, and all the time that I have spend there is something that I will always cherish and hold very near and dear to my heart. I owe my parents everything for giving me the opportunity to grow-up at Kahdalea, because without it I would be lost. I have learned so much about my faith, my life and myself in general at camp. I don't want to say that I am wise, because I am probably the farthest thing from wise, but I do want to share what I have learned at camp with others because it has shaped me, it healed my brokenness and helped me discover who I am as a young woman.

          I recently received an email from my camp director, probably one of the most influential people in my live, with a proposition. Every year she receives email upon email from mothers of campers who are looking for wisdom about everything young women and girls in today's society are faced with. Questions are asked about peer pressure, making good choices, loving yourself, forgiving yourself and others, being true to yourself, and the list goes on and on. Anne thought that it would be a great thing for us (old-time Kahdaladies) to work on together because it is counselors who the campers often look up to for advice. (Because in their eyes we are the "old" wise ones.) So this is my attempt to put down in words what I have learned from camp and how these lessons have helped shape me into the young woman I am today. 

To my precious Kahdaladies,

                  I’m not exactly sure where to begin. I have so much that I want to say and so much that I feel needs to be said. I may not have had the pleasure to meet you or get to know you but we are similar. We share Kahdalea in some way, shape or form, which to me is one of the strongest bonds. I have attended Camp Kahdalea every summer since I was 8 years old, and now a 20-year-old junior in college I am proud to say that I can call Kahdalea my home and my safe haven. I by no means believe that I am wise when it comes to dealing with everything that life, adolescence, and young adulthood throws us, but I do have experience with these issues and the things that kept me strong and got me through those tough times were what I learned from over a decade at Camp Kahdalea. I want to share these things with you because I am so passionate about them. I know how rough things can get, I went through them too, and in writing this letter I want to help you know that you are strong and have such an amazing camp family to support you. I can’t promise what I have to say will help you, but I pray that is does. Kahdalea shaped me, as I am sure it did many of you.  I am so grateful that I have camp in my life, because without it I honestly do not know where I would be in life, or even who I would be. Kahdalea helped me discover who I am as a young woman of God, helped me find my faith, and taught me how to laugh, play, and the importance of setting your inner Tajar free.

So, here it goes. These are some of the most important things that I have taken to heart over the past 13 years that I want you to know.

1. It will be impossible to accept others' love until you first learn to love yourself: I was the young girl who could never accept me. I didn’t like the way I looked. I never thought that I was doing my best in school. I didn’t believe that I was worthy. I took the easy way out by putting up a shield. I could never believe when people told me I was beautiful or special, because I couldn’t believe it myself. Before I could accept the love that others wanted to give me, I had to believe that I was worthy of that love and that I deserved nothing less. This wasn’t an easy thing to do. In fact, I am still working on loving myself and I am 20 years old. Trust me, sweet girls, this isn’t easy to do, but it is so worth it. Take it one day at a time. Everyday, tell yourself one reason you are beautiful and special, and one reason that you deserved to be loved and why you deserve to love yourself. As a camp friend told me the other day, “beYOUtiful.” It is the first step that is the hardest, but you can do this!

              2. True friends accept you for who you are, and nothing less: This is one of the first things that I learned at camp. My first summer I remember being so nervous because I didn’t think anyone would like me. Looking back, that was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever thought. The Trufants do such an amazing job making Camps Kahdalea and Chosatonga places that cultivate and encourage creativity, originality and most importantly acceptance. I have met some of my best friends at camp, and there is such a depth and strength about those relationships as compared to other friendships because at camp no one tries to be anything but himself or herself. People aren’t afraid to act like complete fools, dress as pirates, and grown men and women find as much pleasure in playing capture the flag and assassination as the 8 year olds. Since people choose to be their true self and not what society thinks they should be, young men and women are able to build lifelong friendships based on honesty, trust, love and support. If someone can’t accept you for who you are, then they are missing out on getting to know an amazing young woman. Your camp friends are some of the truest and most pure friends that you will ever have. Don’t ever forget that and never take those friendships for granted.

               3. Kahdalea is not just any other summer camp, it is a family: Whether we know each other or not, we are family, Kahdalea connects us. Being a family, we support each other and are always there for each other.  I am sure that I am not the only person who has difficulty “bringing camp home with me.” We get so caught up in life and all the burdens that it gives us that we feel like we are so far from camp and can’t live like we do there. It is one of the most distressing things because we know that if only we could live as we do at camp, things would not be so hard, but for some reason we can’t find how to get back there. It is extremely important though that you engrave this into your mind, you are not alone. Like I said, camp is a family and families are there for one another, to support one another and to love one another, no matter the physical distance that separates us. You are only a phone call, email, or letter away. When you are having a rough time in school, or nothing seems to be going your way, know that you are not alone. Your camp family is always here to give you the love and support you need, whether it be from a cabin mate, a counselor or Mrs. Anne. Tell them you need them, and I promise you that they will be there for you. I don’t know how I could have gotten through the rough times of middle school, high school and even college if I didn’t lean on my camp family when I wasn’t strong enough to hold myself up on my own.

                       4. No matter how mad or upset at God you are, He will never turn you away: We all have our struggles and burdens. I have notice when these make more prominent appearances in our lives, we tend to ask the same set of questions. “Why me? Why is God putting me through all this? Where is God when I need him?” I do not know why we deal with the things that we do and the times that we do. It is important to know that no matter what you think, God is with you through all your rough times. It is easy to get mad at God when you are hurting and saddened because you want to believe that he wouldn’t let you feel that way. You need to know that no matter how angry you are with God, he will never give up on you. No matter how hard you try to push him away, he will never leave your side.  It is when we get through those rough times that we realize how strong we actually are and that God was there by our side the whole time, whether we realized it or not.

                      5.  Live in the moment: Life at Camp Kahdalea is simple and beautiful. I am sure we all know that. It is the type of place where you wake up with a smile on your face and go to bed with an even bigger smile on you face. At camp, we make a choice to live differently. We choose to live in that moment only, and not dwell on the past or worry about the future. I think that since we know our time is limited at camp, we realize the necessity of living in the moment, and doing this pays of. We are able to be happy and just realize how precious every single moment in is life. I know that it seems hard to do this back home, when life becomes busy and everything is so fast pace. It is important to realize, like we do at camp, once a day is gone we can never get it back. Make sure live for that moment and have something to show for it.

               6. Set your Tajar free: We all have a Tajar inside of us, tucked somewhere deep down in our heart scratching to be set free. The Tajar in us is the little voice telling us to let go, have fun, don’t take everything so seriously and to remember that we all have an urge for folly that needs to be fulfilled. At camp we are encouraged to let the Tajar out of hearts to play. There we play 24/7, laugh a lot, dance crazy, run around as pirates, and live with the folly that Tajar taught us about. Why is it that we never live like that at home though?  Is it that we are too afraid of what others might think? Or did we forget how to let the folly loose? We need to choose to let the Tajar loose, not just at camp, but at home as well. Let the folly fill your heart with laughter and happiness. Don’t forget about the Tajar, make him your friend. Set your Tajar free.

I wish I had all the time in the world so that I could talk about all of my experiences at Kahdalea and how they have turned me into the young woman that I am today. Since I don't, I hope those 6 simple lessons that I learned will suffice. I hope that what I wrote did something good for you whether it was to bring back memories that put a smile on your face, remind you of what you forgot about the magic of Kahdalea or give you the grace and courage to look forward with confidence and strength. In closing remember how loved you are and that we are all praying for you. Never forget that you are beautiful, you are quite enough, you are worthy of love and nothing less.

With all the love in my heart,

Elizabeth Antworth