#summertime

       The very long awaited time is here. A time of relaxation, folly, and fun. It's summertime. Actually, I guess it has been summertime for a little over 2 weeks now for me. It just hasn't really hit me that it is actually summer until I got up to camp yesterday. This past year was a long year. Lot's going on and very hard classes. It seems like summer was the light at the end of a never ending tunnel. It was the green light shining on the opposite side of the bay (i've watched Gatsby recently). But alas, I can say I made it and somewhat gracefully I think at least.

       Summer came at just the right time. It always seems to happen that way, doesn't it? This summer is going to be different, but good I think. I usually spend the whole summer working at camp, from May until August. One summer I only spent half the summer at camp, but that was because we were in Australia for the other half of the summer. And I was missing camp every moment that I was away. This summer though, I'm only going to be here for June. I was a hard decision not to stay the whole summer, but I prayed a lot about it and felt like it was the right thing to do. After a long and stressful summer last summer and a rough year this past year I need camp, but I also need time with my family.

       So, for the next 4/5 weeks or so, I will be burrowed away in the heart of the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. My home away form home. The place that probably had the greatest influence on the woman I am today. I could go on and on about camp, but I'll spare you... for now :) It is one of those place that changes your life, each summer is a life changing summer that greatly shapes your character. And I have no doubt that this summer will be no exception. I just have this feeling that this is going to be a special summer. It will be different though. I honestly have no clue how this session will go, or what I'll be doing. I know I'll have the itty bitty babies for the one week session (which camp has never done before so it is kind of a see how it goes type thing). And I'll be interning with the camp nurse. But after the babies leave, it's all up in the air. Maybe I will have another cabin, maybe I won't. Maybe I will be on Wilderness along with nursing, maybe I won't. There is a lot of uncertainty in the air, which usually makes me anxious. But right now I'm basically like "why worry?," there is no use in that. I'll just go with the flow and see where the wind takes me. What has gotten into me? Who is this person who is actually ok with uncertainty?

       As for the rest of the summer, I don't really know what is going on with that either. There is going to be one week where my parents are gone, so it will just be some serious sister-sister bonding time. We may be going out to Seattle then to do some college visits for Ellen. At some point, we are hoping to go on a family vacation, although we haven't decided where yet.... and Daniel and Vanessa are going to come visit hopefully before I go back to school. I have a long list of things that I either want to do or need to do this summer, whether or not they will get done is another thing... Figuring out my life would be number one on the list. HA, not happening. I'm not ready to face the reality that I will be a grown up in the real world next year.

       New number one on my to-do list: Relax. Have fun. Laugh. Play. Don't worry. Enjoy Summer. 

Young and Beautiful

         So about a week ago or so, I went to see the Great Gatsby with a few friends before leaving for summer. The movie was fabulous. I know that it has gotten a much of mixed reviews but I really enjoyed it. I know I've written about this before, but period pieces like the Great Gatsby, are just something that I can't stay away from. They draw me in. However, what I really wanted to share was a song. The soundtrack to the movie was AMAZING! There was one song that has been stuck in my head almost nonstop. I love it. It is Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Rey. I must admit, I was never a big fan of Lana Del Rey, especially after her much less than impressive performance on SNL.... This song is beautiful and tragic and just awesome.

A Lesson from Shakespeare

          So, I am pretty much in a state of euphoria right about now. The picture above is what sets the scene and mood for this post. It's beautiful right? For the past few days, and for the next few days, I have been housesitting up in Charlotte, NC for our very close family friends (more like extended family really). However, they have a gorgeous house, with a beautiful backyard and pool and hot tub. So, it has just been me and the two dogs (Axel and Izzy) to keep me company. I must say that it is weird staying in a big empty house all alone, especially after living in a cramped house for a year with 12 other crazy friends who I call family. I haven't really been lonely by any means this week, but it does make me miss Laclede House A (who's song has been running through my head non-stop). But like I mentioned, I have enjoyed this time alone, "me time" as I like to call it. I think it has been really good for me. Being alone just allows me to think, gather my thoughts, process everything that's happened, and then feel secure and free to react. This is what I have been doing a lot recently. Pondering. Asking myself questions. I guess being philosophical..... Which I hate to admit because if you know me, you know that I hate philosophy... I guess my roommate the Philosophy minor or major (I can never remember considering she has like 2 majors and 3 minors....) and a few other friends/acquaintances would be proud of me.

          A lot of things have been running through my mind these past few days. One thing on my mind a lot these days is an idea that Shakespeare presented in many of his plays but most commonly known from The Merchant of Venice. Gosh, there are just so many lessons to learn from Shakespeare. The one I am thinking of, however, is "love is blind." 

                                                                  Jessica: 

But love is blind, and lovers cannot see

The pretty follies that themselves commit.           The idea that when two people are in love, they are unable to see the faults in either themselves or the object of their affection. The feelings of love suppress the area in the brain that controls critical and rational thought. I don't at all think that this only applies to love with a significant other but also loving a friend or a family member. Love is love. It's a absolute. But that doesn't mean it is endless. Couple break up or get divorced, family members stop talking, friends stop being friends. Is it all because of the blindness that love causes? The blindness that can keep us from seeing how a person really is, or how we really are when we are around that person. I'm not at all saying that love is a bad thing. I believe that love is an amazing gift, one to be treasured and cherished.          I recently read through a bunch of old journals and letters that I had written and received and so many questions began flying through my head on this subject. What is it about love that makes us blind? Does it make us blind or do we become blind by some choice? If it isn't meant to be, do using this blindness help us try to stay in love? Is all love blind? Is true love, the love you share with the person you spend the rest of your life with, blind?           I don't know the answers to these questions, and I don't know if I ever will have definite answers to them. I think that is one of the beauties of love. You never have all the answers. It is something that you are constantly learning about.

Appreciate the Little Things

Everyone loves being happy, and there are so many things to be happy about. One of my favorite feelings is that little feeling of happiness that you get from just a small little thing that other people may blow of but to you it means something special. Here are some of the little, beautiful things that bring happiness into my life.

1. Wearing sundresses.

2. Falling asleep in your own bed after being away for a while.

3. Watching balloons float into the air.

4. Waiting at the airport to greet someone you love.

5. When you hear songs from your childhood that you still love.

6. Naps.

7. Hot bubble baths.

8. Walking through a forest in autumn, when every step kicks up colorful leaves.

9. Watching rain drip down a window.

10. Cuddling up in a warm blanket with a cup of hot tea.

11.  The feeling of the sun shining on your back.

12. When someone, especially your parents, tell you how proud they are of you.

13. Being able to completely get lost in a book.

14. Cuddling with baby animals.

15. The sound of children laughing.

16. Getting a letter, like an actual snail mail letter.

17. Looking out on the mountains an realizing how small you actually are.

18. Playing baseball in the backyard.

19. Looking back and understanding why certain things happened the way that they did.

20. Realizing how far you have come in such a short time.

Uncertainty

I Want Crazy

One week. One week is all I have left of my junior year in college. One more year at SLU. 376 days until I am wearing a cap and gown for the first time in my life, (in high school we wore white dresses instead of caps and gowns) and walking across a stage to receive my diploma. It seems that as I grow older every year goes by faster and faster. This year seemed to have passed in the blink of an eye. With senior year just around the corner, we are being forced to think about the future and what we want, who we want to be, where we want to be, and who we want to spend our time with. I feel like this has come up quite a bit recently in our house. There has been talk of where people want to go to grad school, if we want to get a job right away or volunteer for a year or two, and where we intend to live and work when we are done at SLU. We are finally getting to the age where we have to seriously think about our future. It’s surreal in a way, and scary at the same time.

I think one of the strangest things to think of is that in the next few years (5-10) some of us will be falling madly in love, getting married and starting families. This is a topic that has come up quite a bit recently I feel like, more the topic of we all expect to be getting wedding invitations from each person in the house, or who is going to be the first in the house to get married and have kids. The more common topic of discussion, at least between me and the Emily’s and Allison is who is in the running for maid of honor at each other’s wedding. The Emily’s and I each have sisters, so the real competition is who is going to be Allison’s maid of honor. As weird as it is to think about, it is something that we talk about. I wish I could still say we have a long time to think about that, or that’s not going to happen anytime soon. But realistically that day will most likely happen in the next 5-10 years.

However, back to my original thoughts for this post.  I was thinking about this whole growing up thing and the fact that what I use to think was so far in the future is actually now the present, and growing up is just around the corner. I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life, where I want to spend my life, and most importantly the type of person I want to spend my life with. This may be weird, or you may be thinking, “you’re 21, you have a lot of time to think about that.” And maybe that is true but I’m at that point in my life where I need to start thinking about the type of person I want to date and what I want on my “boyfriend” list (qualities and things that I look for in a guy). I’m ready to start looking for that and I’m ready to find that love again.

I’m only dipped my toes in the waters of love once in my life, and it was amazing (even if it didn’t last). It is the kind of thing that keeps you aching for more, desiring that feeling all the time. I’m excited to feel that again. I’m scared to feel that again. I think I’m ready to feel that again.  I know what I want, well for the most part.

I want crazy. I want that crazy kind of love that bewitches you body and soul. The kind of love that takes you over and makes you feel irrational and completely rationale at the same time. “I don’t want good and I don’t want good enough. I want can’t sleep, can’t breathe without your love. Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn’t make sense to any body else.” I know that that kind of love isn’t going to be easy. But that’s ok because I don’t want easy. I want crazy.

I was reading a post the other day on “Thought Catalog” about this and the author described it as a “Friday Kind of Love.” Fridays are full of possibilities. You have the whole weekend ahead of you, where anything could happen. This sense of possibility leads to and air that is full of excitement and potential. Full of options. I want the Friday kind of love. I want possibility, the feeling of excitement, and passion. I want extraordinary. Crazy.

Everyone deserves a love that is something of an out of this world connection, that you can’t make sense of in your own mind. Mind-blowing-heart-stopping-life-changing-inexplicable-love.

                           

                         “Who needs to play it safe in love… Let’s be crazy”

Kindness vs. Weakness

Is it Worth It?

I’ll never understand what makes our fight so hard for something that hurts so much.

Is it worth it? Is it worth the pain or struggles that come along with it? Nothing comes easy. There is always some pain or struggle that comes along with the things that mean the most.  We allow ourselves to struggle, suffer and reach the level of exhaustion in order to reach some goal, whether it be making a relationship work, getting through school or working. No matter the level of the pain, something keeps us going. Something motivates us to keep pushing forward. Deep down we believe that the struggle and turmoil is worth it, and if we believe it is worth it, it must be true.

           

            This seems to be the most plausible answer right? But now the question is, how do we know if it is worth it. I have asked myself this question a lot lately. Right now in regards to my career, my deepest desire is to go into Pediatric Oncology. I’ve been on a Pediatric Oncology floor for the past few weeks and it has been emotionally draining. I can’t even begin to explain how hard this experience has been on me emotionally and mentally. I’ve seen the highs of working on the floor (sending patients home after their last chemo treatment) to the extreme lows of this job (telling a child and their family that there is no other treatment options and they only really have few weeks left).  In our 6 weeks on the floor, 5 children passed away. This isn’t the type of job where you can leave your work at home and I am already beginning to realize this. It’s hard emotionally and physically. Sometimes I ask myself: Why do I want to put myself through that pain over and over again? Because I know if I do work in that area, there are going to be amazing success stories and there will be the other end of the spectrum as well. I’ve asked myself is this really worth it? Is this pain and sadness actually worth it?

           

            What motivates us to keep going? Worth. We believe that despite pain, the struggle will be worth it in the end. The benefits will outweigh the risks (or so to speak in medical terms). It’s scary, at least for me it is. It means taking a risk. Taking a chance. Because the truth is, we can believe something is worth it, and we may not actually know it until we make it through the struggles and hardships. All we can do is hope and have faith.

“The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives. The harder you have to fight for something, the more priceless it will become once you achieve it. And the more pain you have to endure on your journey, the sweeter the arrival at your destination. All good things are worth waiting for and worth fighting for.”