New Beginnings

          December 31, 2012. It is officially the last day of the year. In a few hours we will be ringing in the New Year with friends and family, anxiously awaiting the ball to drop in New York and for the clock to turn to 12:01 am. At 12:01 one year will be over and another one will be just beginning. I'm sure that I am not the only one who does this, in fact, I am fairly sure this is true of most everybody but as the year narrows down to an end I can't help but look back on the past year as look forward to the year to come and all that it will bring.

          Looking back on the past year I have so much to be grateful for. 2012 is definitely up the on the best years so far. This year, like all years, has had its ups and downs but they were part of the year and made it what it was. I can't forget the hard times and only remember the good times, if I did that would I really learn anything? The past is a part of us and who we are, whether it is good or bad. We can't just forget about it, it lead us to where we are today and shaped us into the people we are today. Everything we experience and everyone that we interact with makes us into who we are, whether we choose to see it or not. But back to the good things. Like I said earlier, this past year has been one of the best year so far, in my 20 years of living. So much has happened in the past year, and I have grown so much since last January. In the past year I have learned about love, and friendships, I have learned to accept change. I have grown deeper in my relationship with God, and learned who I am as a person and who I want to be when I "grow up." I have been reminded about the importance of family and to quote The Avett Brothers, "there is nothing worth sharing, like the love that lets us share our name." Over the past year, I have developed deeper friendship with people who are amazing people that I can't imagine life without now. They are the types of friendship that I know will last years and years. I've begun the journey to discover where I am supposed to be in life and what exactly I am meant to do with my life.

          With this year now behind me, I guess I really having nothing else to do than to look forward to the year to come. In the next year, I will turn 21 and begin my senior year of college, talk about some major life moments. I hope this coming year will be full of laughter and happiness, learning and growing and full of many wonderful memories. Honestly, I have no earthly idea what is in store for me this next year, and surprisingly I am ok with that. I used to be there person who grew anxious not knowing things, I absolutely hated surprises, but like I said I have changed. I'm excited to see what is in store for me this next year. Bring on the surprises God!

         Surprisingly, I don't have much to say today or recently really. I am kind of at a writers block if you can call it that. Hopefully with the new year comes new inspiration... I guess we will just have to wait and see. With all that said, I wish you all the Happiest New Year!! God Bless!

What is Beauty?

          I have been think a lot recently about the idea of beauty. What exactly is beauty? What does it mean to be beautiful? We can look at something or at someone and say "wow, that thing or that person is absolutely beautiful, beauty radiates from them." We say this, but what do we mean by it? What is it that makes the thing or person beautiful? Maybe they are flawless, there is not scratch or imperfection to be found. Maybe they show no sign of weakness or when you look at them they are soft and pleasurable to your eyes. Beauty is such a complex and intricate subject. It truly is in the eye of the beholder. What one person may view as beautiful, another may view as just average. This makes it all the more difficult to try and describe beauty or what being beautiful entails.

          Today's society has complete misconstrued the definition of beauty and what it means to be beautiful. We see magazine covers and television shows that basically idolized these perfect, flawless, skinny and stunning women, and that is what we are taught is beautiful. People look at these women and want to be them because that is what society says is beautiful and if we want to be beautiful we must be a size 0, perfectly toned and have a flawless complexion. The harsh truth is that most everyone will never be like that. I wonder too, if we were to become like that, would we truly be happy? To be that kind of "beautiful," by society's standards, you are always going to have to try harder, give up more of who you are, and stray farther from your true self. It is a never ending cycle. I was shocked when a few summers ago, an adorable perfectly health and fit nine year camper came up to me and said she wanted to go on a diet and lose weight so she could be prettier. Really? What has the world come to if a skinny and precious little 9 year old says she has to lose weight to become more beautiful. It just makes my heart ache.

         Every now and then, I hear a song on the radio or see a commercial on TV about being beautiful that actually makes me smile and think "where has this been all along, these are the things women and little girls need to hear." There are campaigns like the Dove True Beauty Campaign, which is campaign to challenge beauty stereotypes and encourage self-confidence and self-acceptance in women of all ages. This is the video that Dove put out talking about beauty:

         Not only are there videos and campaigns like the Dove campaigns above but there are also song about this idea of true beauty. For example there are songs like "What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction, and they talk about all the things that make a girl beautiful and not once in the song do they mention said girl being flawless, yet they talk about how she is shy and insecure and that she doesn't even know that she is beautiful. There are songs like "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars, where a guy is singing to a girl telling her she is amazing just the way that she is and that he wouldn't change anything about her. She doesn't believe him and he said is is sad to think that she doesn't even see what he sees. It's a common thing. Someone will tell a girl or a woman that she is beautiful but she won't believe it. We are our worst critics, we always find something wrong with ourselves, and its no wonder when our idea of beautiful is impossible to reach.

          This who subject is really close to me and is something that we spend a lot of time on trying to teach young girls about at camp. Being beautiful is so much more than just looks. Being beautiful is being confident in your own skin and believing in yourself, and standing up for youself. Being beautiful is being kind and caring. Being beautiful is how you are as a person and how you make others feel about themselves. Being beautiful is being the best version of yourself on the inside and out. It is looking for the good in others, and speaking words of kindness. Beauty is what you believe it to be.

          It took me a very long time and it was a rough journey to get to where I am today concerning the idea of beauty. It wasn't easy but I am finally at the point where I can look at the mirror whether all dressed up or in yoga pants and a t-shirt and can think, "I actually am beautiful." When I say it was a long, rough journey, I am not underestimating a bit. I am sure it is probably this way for most young women. I was always the girl in middle school, high school and even the first two years of college that never thought I was good enough or always thought something was missing, I could always be better. I was told multiple times that I was pretty and beautiful and smart and kind, but there was something within me doubting everything that I was told. Why do we do this? We never believe it when someone compliments us, and we can always find flaws in ourself. Are we scared to believe that we are beautiful? Do we not think we deserve to be beautiful? Do we think that the only way to be beautiful is to look like the women on magazine covers? Our fears are the only things holding you back from being beautiful. Remember, nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.

Radiant Dawn

          I was on Facebook this afternoon, and I saw that my friend from camp, who is now a priest, had shared his Christmas Mass homily. It is so beautiful, peaceful and touching that I had to share it.

Father Luke Millette's Christmas Homily:
While I was in seminary at Rome, we held a competition every year to see who could decorate their hall best for Christmas. So one year my hall decided to paint posters with the "O Antiphons." For those who don't know, the O Antiphons are 7 different titles of Jesus which are used during the 7 days leading up to Christmas. Even if you don't know these titles, all of us have sung them in the song "O come O come Emmanuel" when we sing O Emmanuel, O Wisdom from on high, O Lord of might, and the like. Everything was going well with the decorations until someone got the bright idea to send me up to the roof to burn the edges of the posters so that they would look like old scrolls. Without going into details, we will just say that the poster depicting "Radiant Dawn" truly did light up the night and became a little more crispy than I intended...

Our celebration of the birth of our Savior falls near the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year, when night seems to reign supreme. Throughout time, every culture has celebrated the solstice in some way, and a common feature between all seems to be an exaltation of light, a reminder that no matter how dark the night, the light will always return. While many have tried to equate the Christian celebration of Christmas with some of these ancient pagan rituals, most modern scholarship shows that the differences between them are far greater than the similarities, so no strict correspondence actually exists between the two. What we do see, however, is a desire which existed throughout every culture that one day the darkness will truly lift, a desire which was only fully realized with the coming of Christ, the true dawn.

Unfortunately, sometimes it seems as if darkness still reigns supreme. All we must do is lift our newspapers to see stories of darkness, violence and hatred. Our own lives are often filled with tragedies and grief. Many of us here might be suffering joblessness or financial difficulties. Many of us might be suffering from bad health or mourning the death of a loved one. Many of us might be faced with brokenness, sorrow, despair, doubts and fears. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, the darkness still seems so dark.

Yet, in the midst of this darkness, in a small dim room hollowed out of a cave in the little town of Nazareth, an angel appeared to a young Jewish girl and asked her to bear forth the Son of God to the world. And in this place, hope blossomed and a light was kindled. Such a small flickering light, seemingly too small to push back the darkness. But Mary carried this light, and let it grow within her womb, until one fateful day, as the whole world huddled under the darkest of nights, a small child was born in a stable. Such a small, seemingly insignificant child, and yet, scripture tells us that all heaven and earth broke forth in rejoicing in the midst of the darkness. Angels appeared to shepherds in the field, shining forth in brilliant light, shining like the stars in the sky, proclaiming the glad tidings that the Radiant Dawn had arrived. Even a star guided the way to where He lay. All of heaven and earth shone with light at the coming of the King. As John says in the beginning of his gospel, Christ, "the true light who enlightens everyone has come into the world," and this "light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

All of the liturgies and rituals and traditions leading up to Christmas prepare us for the coming of the light. We decorate our houses and trees with lights. The Advent wreath becomes increasingly brighter and brighter with more and more lit candles the closer we come to Christmas. Again and again, we are reminded that Christ is our light! The point is that no matter how dark it gets, the darkness will not conquer. Darkness can only exist where there is no light, and the barest flicker of light, no matter how dim, will always dispel the darkness. 

Christ is our light! Christ is the true radiant dawn who dispels the darkness! As long as we believe this, as long as we cling to this, our hearts will always be filled with hope, a hope that no darkness can extinguish. This is the source of our Christmas joy, turning us into a people of hope, as we are reminded that the darkness has been dispelled with the rising of the Radiant Dawn. If we cling to this, our hearts can always be filled with joy, hoping and believing and knowing that the darkness, no matter how dark it may seem, will never defeat us.

When the spirit descended upon Mary, she was alone in a small dark room, where hope seemed dim. Yet, more than 30 years later, she sat in an Upper Room, surrounded by her Son's followers, as they were all bathed in tongues of fire. That light, which seemed so small at the beginning, turned into a raging fire which set the world ablaze. As long as we have faith in the love of Jesus Christ, our hearts will never grow dim, our hope will never fail, and we will never be alone. For Christians, Christmas is a time of new beginnings. A time when we are reminded that no matter how battered and bruised we may feel, the night will never conquer us. The true dawn has come, and a light has broken into our hearts which will never fade. So we must awaken and allow our hearts to hope again. We must allow our hearts to believe and trust that the true light has come, a light which will never fade. As scripture tells us, "Awake O sleeper, arise from the dead, and Christ will be your light."

As I later reflected on how our poster which depicted the "Radiant Dawn" ended up in flames on that dark night, I was struck by how appropriate it truly was. Christ truly is the Radiant Dawn, a light which dispels the darkness of the night, a light which the darkness can never extinguish. May the love of Christ blaze in each of our hearts, a blaze that no darkness will ever quench.

The Gift of Giving

           Well, I guess I should start off by saying Merry Christmas!!! It's a little past midnight here so it's officially Christmas, officially Jesus's Birthday!! I absolutely love Christmas, it is by far my favorite holiday. I don't just like Christmas Day, but I love the whole Christmas season and everything that comes along with it. I love the cool weather, the sound of Christmas music filling the air, the aromas of fur tree and cinnamon and candles filling the air, the way that our family room is always lit by the sparkling lights on the Christmas tree. I love the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping, being surrounded by friends and family, and Christmas baking. I have so many delightful memories from Christmas growing up, whether they were spent here in Greenville, or else where. I hold the traditions of the Christmas Season near and dear to my heart. In fact, we just set out the cookies for Santa in the leaving room and I'm sure tomorrow we will get the annual picture of all 4 kids sitting on the stairs before going to open presents. Only, it won't be a 8 am like it was when we were kids. The only somewhat redeeming factor about my father being on call over Christmas is that since he has to do rounds at 9 am, we get to sleep in until 10 or so before opening presents and having brunch. I am just praying that that is the only time that he has to go in tomorrow. We will only have a few hours together as a whole family (since Daniel has a flight at 6 pm tomorrow to go back to Houston) and I want to make the most of that time.

          I must say, my favorite part about Christmas is not getting presents or anything like that. My favorite thing about Christmas is watching the excitement and the smile on people's faces when they open a gift that you have given them. When I was younger, I don't think that I thought much about giving gifts, most kids probably don't. Like most kids, I had my whole list for Santa of things that I wanted and was more excited to receive gifts than to give them. However, I have grown and matured and changed and now I am the complete opposite. When it came to giving my mother a Christmas list this year, I could barely think of anything to put on it. Receiving gifts is not as important to me as it used to be. It is giving to others that gives me joy. Happiness does not result from what we get, but from what we give. 

         There is something so special to me about giving to others. I have always been this way, and it is an integral part of my character and who I am as a person. When I refer to giving I don't always mean giving physical things, although I do love that. I am the type of person who will see a little something in a store or on vacation and it reminds me of something a friends or a loved one who like, so I get it for them. I love leaving people little surprises like that. When I refer to giving, I mean so much more that that. We, as humans and as children of God have been given the capacity to give on a much deeper level than physical goods, We have the ability to give our time and ourself to others. Like I said earlier, this is a huge part of my life. It is so important to me and the reason why I did service in high school, why i joined the Micah program at SLU, why I hope to go on a mission trip over spring break, and part of why I want to become a nurse. I want to give to others and see that smile on their face when they realize that I care for them and want them to be happy.

          I am still in awe about how able we are to give and to such on such a deep level. This goes way past just giving gifts. We are able to give our time to others, to help them when they are most in needs. We are able to give our trust to others, and our honesty. We have the capacity to give our hearts to someone and love them unconditionally. We give the gift of friendship, companionship, and so much more. We have all these wonderful things to give, but we don't always give them. We either feel like we need a special occasion like Christmas or birthdays to give or we are hesitant. I wish this were not the case, I wish more people would be open to giving at any moment. I believe that giving is a gift, because you receive so much that you would never expect when you give to others. There is no real way for me to explain that, so I just urge you to go out and try it. Trust me, the gift of giving is one of the greatest gifts you will ever receive. 

Merry Christmas!!

Dinner Parties and Deb Balls

          I have yet to be home for a full week and I already feel like I have been doing stuff non-stop. I arrived home late Monday night and have surprisingly spent a good deal of my time home, tucked in my bed fast asleep. In fact, the first night that I was home I probably slept a good 14 hours. It may seem like a long time, but it was a much needed sleep after the lack of sleep from exams week... When I haven't been sleeping I feel like I am always doing something whether it be Christmas shopping, seeing friends, running errands for my parents, reading (I have already read 2 whole books since being home!), or watching Games of Thrones (which I was reluctant to watch until my friend Mike convinced me of it, and now I am a bit addicted...). I could not be any happier to be home. I don't think I can even find the words to describe how much I have missed home recently. I have missed my family, my pets, my friends, my mother's cooking, the warmth of my bed, and the southern comfort of Greenville. I don't only miss my home, I miss the South. I won't deny that one bit. I go to school in the mid-west, which really isn't that different than here, but at the same time they are so different. I miss sweet tea, the friendliness of everyone around, being able to run into someone you know almost everywhere you go, southern food and the beautiful warm weather, I could probably go on and on.

          This past week, I was thrown back into Southern/Greenvillian culture at full force. I went downtown the other night with some friends and low and behold, ran into probably 40+ kids that I went to high school with. It was basically an informal reunion, which was great since I don't get to see them that often, one of the downfalls of not staying in state to go to college. And leave it to Christ Church kids to travel in packs and have these large impromptu reunions, this is our life. I'm not complaining at all, I really do love it, but if you know my high school or went there, you know this is pretty typical. Who can blame us? We went to a school with 300 kids, 70 in our grade and half of us had been in school together since kindergarden and almost all of us together since lower school. We grew up together.

         Also, since arriving home we have already hosted two small dinner parties. On Friday night we had my best friend Anna and her parents over for dinner, which has become quite a lovely tradition. I'm not sure when our parents started becoming such good friends but I feel like ever since the Kokens came sailing with us for Spring Break senior year, they have been lovely friends. And then tonight we had a second small dinner party with our friends Kathy and Eric, and my cousin Carlos came too. Daniel came home today! He only gets to stay for a few days and ends up having to leave on Christmas day but it very nice to have him in town even if only for a few days. So Daniel was at dinner tonight as well as Ellen and her friend Mary.

          Here is where things get really Southern. Last night, I attended the Debutante Ball. I took my friend Connor (who goes to Wash. U, about 3 miles from SLU) as my date and we went with my friend Rebecca and her friends from University of Richmond. It was an absolutely lovely evening! I feel like this is the part where all my northern/mid-western friends will begin to roll their eyes... It is a white tie event, so all the girls go in evening gowns and have to wear long white gloves, and all the guys must be in tails and white gloves as well. So classy, I know. The event takes place near downtown at the Poinsett Club, which is all decorated for Christmas and stunning. The debutantes are debuted by their parents and/or grandparents and after that the evening is full of dancing and socializing. It was the epitome of classy southern society. I know this probably sounds completely ridiculous and you might not understand it, but when we were at the ball last night, I felt so at home. More at home than I have in a long time, like I said I miss the South. I am a southern girl at heart, and will always hold all things southern near and dear to my heart. Yes, I live in the mid west now but the south will always be my home. The ball was packed last night, there were close to 600 people there!! And I am completely serious when I say that probably close to 75-100 of them were recent graduates of Christ Church. Which once again it was so nice to see and catch up with people that I haven't seen in a very long time, but it doesn't surprise me that that many people from high school were there. It was the type of event that Christ Church graduates would be at. I was so sad to see the Deb Ball end, but I have so many great, fun memories from last night.

          Well, it is 12:02 AM on Monday, which means it is officially Christmas Eve! I should probably get some sleep. So until next time, enjoy a few photos from the ball!

Wallflower

Wallflower: a type of loner. shy folks who no one really knows. Someone who chooses to observe rather than experience life. They see things and they understand.        

          About a week ago, I watched the movie "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" for the first time. I have never read the book, although it is on my to-do list for Christmas Break, and I kind of wish I had before seeing the movie. But it was one of those "I am extremely bored and tired of studying and will doing anything to procrastinate from studying" thoughts and so I watched it, and I absolutely loved it! If you haven't seen the movie yet, you should definitely watch it! If was a fabulous and beautiful story, and there were some tears shed through out the movie. It is a coming of age film about a shy introverted freshman, Charlie, in high school, who is really just trying to find his way in life, who becomes best friends with two seniors (who are half siblings) Sam and Patrick. They sort of take Charlie under their wing and in a way introduce him to the real world. It's story about growing up, friendships, discovering who you are. A story about love and life and overcoming all those things that we let hold us back. I could go on and on about it but I feel like I can't do the movie justice. 

          It's one of those movies where no matter where in your life you are at this moment, something said in the movie will influence you and impact you in some way or another. One of my favorite quotes from the movie is spoken when Charlie comes out of treatment for depression and he says "We can't choose where we come from, but we can choose were we go from there. I know it isn't all the answers but it is enough to start putting these pieces together." We can't change the past. We can't change the life we were born into. As much as people wish they could change these things, life just doesn't work that way. But the future is in our hands. We can decide where we want to go, what we want to make of ourself and we can decide on the person we want to be. 

"I don't know if I will have the time to write anymore letters because I might be too busy trying to participate. So if this does end up being the last letter I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school and you helped me. Even if you didn't know what I was talking about or know someone who has gone through it, you made me not feel alone. Because I know there are people who say all these things don't happen. And there are people who forget what it's like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite."

Where was God?

I know I just posted a blog less than 20 minutes ago, but since then I found this on Facebook and thought it was worth sharing. Wow.

This is a note that my camp director just sent to us about all of this. She always seems to have just the right words.


Dear ones, 

I , like you , am sick about the violence in CT this week. It is sometimes unfathomable the depths of evil and sadness that can happen to people just like us. We rarely can imagine it in our backyard...but the world, at this point, is our back yard. I have seen several wonderful pieces talking about where God is in this. I don't pretend to top any of their amazing wisdom but I want to say just this. God is wherever WE are in this. We are His hands and feet, His voice, His presence, His love in a world gone a bit crazy. 

Goodness and truth prevail when we choose to live them with our every action. Love shines brighter not in some mystical way, but in the gutsy, practical , every day showing up and doing the hard right over the easy wrong. Integrity and character are still the things that build relationships and families, communities and countries. But we have to choose....every day, to BE the LIGHT....to BE the HOPE....to BE the LOVE that will last longer than the darkness. And the darkness can be very dark. The most astounding thing about faith is when we actually experience all that evil colliding with the love of a very real God. He absorbs it..and gentleness and forgiveness and gutsy grace remains. And we carry battle scars, but they have a name: HOPE. And it's real...real enough to be an anchor to go on. BE THAT LIGHT IN YOUR WORLD. IT'S OUR CALL AND OUR PRIVILEGE. Love you all, and I am so proud of who you are and how you live your lives. God bless you. 

Love, Anne

5 down, 3 to go

So, after a week/semester from hell I can finally just sit and relax. I’m listening to Mumford and Sons while sitting in a rocking chair at the airport anxiously waiting for my plane to arrive to take me home. On one hand, I cannot believe that this semester is over. But on the other hand I have never been more ready for a semester to be over, because it seemed like one of the longest semesters of my life. With the conclusion of this semester, I have completed 5 semesters of college, and I only have 3 more semesters left at SLU. I can’t even begin to fathom that in a year and a half I will be graduating, moving into the “real world” and actually be working as a nurse. Talk about some major life changes… Time really does just fly by. I can still perfectly remember high school and sitting in the parking lot talking after school, going to Jon Paul’s after football games, going to breakfast at Soby’s every Tuesday during late start. In three years so much has changed. I have changed and so have my friends but our friendships have very much stayed the same. I only really have one semester left of actually classes, because most of our senior year is spent doing preceptorships and taking classes like fine arts…

I really don’t think that any semester I have ever gone through seemed to pass as slowly as this fall. It seems like ages ago that I moved in to our house at the end of August, but really it has been less than 4 months. In my defense, it has been a rough semester for me, a roller coaster I like to call it. This semester was probably the roughest semester in terms of classes and academics that I have ever taken in my life. But I hear from the senior nursing students that the block I was in is the hardest one and that it will only get easier form here. So, I have hope in that area. Next semester I get to take Pediatrics and Maternity, and after I graduate my first choice is to work as a pediatric oncology nurse and then maybe in labor and delivery/ the NICU, so I am really looking forward to next semester and those classes and clinicals. Right now, I am about 100% certain that history likes to repeat itself. Junior year in high school was pretty rough for me… With mono, and really difficult classes, anxiety issues, etc. I struggled. It was both physically and emotionally draining for me, but I got through it and obviously made it out alive. It seems to me like my junior year of college is almost identical to my junior year of high school, but maybe on a larger, more difficult scale. It’s been one tough ride, lots of ups and downs, but I do know for a fact that I am stronger and can deal with it better now, and will become even stronger because of it. It’s funny because this year and my junior year of high school are so similar but they are also a bit different. Most of the struggles junior year in high school were solely focused on me, and while this semester I have dealt with a lot of things personally, I have also had a lot weighing on me emotionally with my family.

Let’s see, at the beginning of the semester my little cousin had a trip to the ER as a result of his attempt to do parkour… little boys and flips off of the porch obviously don’t go well together, but at the same time, try and stop a little boy from doing it and it just don’t work out to well. One of the big hospitals in St. Louis, St. Anthony’s made a big budget cut, which resulted in the lay offs of close to 200 employees, including my aunt, who is like my second mom in Saint Louis. (It helps that she is my mom’s twin and has some physically similarities to my mom). She is waiting to hear back from a job opportunity that she is really excited about so send some prayers up for her. Then, over Thanksgiving break my mom got a call from my aunt saying that my grandmother had had a stroke and was in the ICU. By the time I got back to St. Louis, my grandmother had been moved to a residential rehab, where she spent about 2 and a half weeks. I was able to go see her in the rehab hospital which as a little bittersweet. It was really good to she her, but she was just exhausted and she didn’t remember who I was. So that was really tough for me because it was completely different than a week before when I had seen her before her stroke. It has been almost a month since the stroke and she still is having a lot of memory issues and remembering who is who and how we are related. I have quite this list of aliases growing. I am most commonly Susan… However, since she was discharged from the rehab hospital, she has moved in with my aunt and uncle, which is a much safer arrangement than her living in her apartment by herself. It has been quite an emotional ride for her, which makes it emotional for all of us because you hate seeing someone you love and care about go through all of that. So that all happened and I thought God was finally going to give me a break, but no. That was just not his plan. While at dinner with my other Grandma and Grandpa, I found out that she was recently diagnosed with Follicular Lymphoma. They believe that they caught it early, and my grandmother and grandfather don’t seem to be too worried about it. But me being a natural worrier and studying all about it in class only makes me worried and upset. I’m sure everything will be ok, but it is still scary. So add all of that to the added stress of class and a few other things going on in my life and that has been my semester… And if that wasn’t enough all that was going on kind of led me to withdraw and isolate myself from some of my best friends. Not too fun…

I have learn a great deal about myself this semester though. I am still trying to process it all, but it has been a good thing. I’ve learned I am more independent than I thought I was, but at the same time that it is ok to ask for help. I have discovered some really great friends who I was friends with before but never opened up to until this semester. I’ve discovered that not everything will be ok, but somethings will, and that is completely ok, because sometimes that is just the way that the pieces fall. And in time things will fall right into place. If I could describe my semester in a song, it might have to be “Life ain’t Always Beautiful” by Gary Allan. If you haven’t heard it, it is definitely worth the listen. It is right when it says that life isn’t always beautiful, but it is a beautiful ride. It is like a roller coaster that has its ups and downs. It is just our choice whether or not we want to scream or enjoy the ride.

In mass last night we sang a song and one of the verses was “spirit of light, dance within our darkness.” It was the third Sunday of advent, Gaudete Sunday, and the whole mass and the readings were about rejoicing and giving thanks. Even in times of darkness. I was listening to the song as they were singing it and I realized that I do not just want the spirit of light to dance within my darkness, I want to dance with it in my darkness. That may sound odd, but I don’t know of another way to put it. I want to be able to look past the superficial layer of hard times and be able to rejoice in them and realize that they are a gift and they only make me stronger and grow closer to God. (It’s been a faith-strengthening semester for me). I was reading my devotion this morning, with the intention of writing this blog this evening and this is what it said to me, “Facing the emptiness inside you is simply the prelude to being filled with My fullness. Therefore, rejoice on those days when you drag yourself out of bed, feeling sluggish and inadequate. Tell yourself that this is the perfect day to depend on me in childlike trust.” After all, it was God who told us to “let light shine out of darkness.” (Funny how God sends us messages sometimes…) The following a meditation by Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, who is by far one of my favorite saints:

"And when Jesus conceals Himself during grievous interior trials such as dryness, aridity, anguish in darkness, when all the words of love, confidence, abandonment say nothing more to us, do not touch us, do not reach us anymore, what then? What soul has not passed through these nights?

"It is then that we must push confidence to the extreme limits. These trials are graces, because they are occasions for pure faith. Pure love is realized in pure faith, and pure faith is realized in darkness in the same way as 'strength is perfected in weakness.' Profit, profit from these dark hours when your nature grieves, when your heart is cold, when you believe, wrongly, that Jesus is very far from you and even, perhaps, that He is turning His eyes away from you, because you see yourself to be so imperfect and wretched; profit from them to make heroic acts of faith and confidence out of pure will. These are the most precious acts -- they have immense merit because in those times they are acts of pure faith, without consolation and without sensible aid.

"That is the moment to say to Jesus, 'You may sleep in my boat; I shall not awaken You. You are hiding Yourself, but I know well where You are hidden: You are hidden in my heart. I do not feel it, but I know it. I believe in Your love for me and I believe in my love for You.' "

So the semester is finally over. And after grades come in over the next few days, I have nothing to do but relax and spend time with my family and friends for a whole month. As I do that I might try to make some more sense about the chaos I have called my life for the past few months. And if history does seem to be repeating itself, I only have up to go from here. Some say that all great changes are preceded by chaos. If this is true, I have some great changes in store soon. We will just have to wait and see I guess what God has in store for me.

Music getting me through Finals

So, this week is crazy hectic. I have 9 exams in the next week. Gotta love nursing school.... I wish I had more to write but right now, my whole body and mind are basically numb due to the stress of finals and the emotional roller coaster due to everything going on with my grandmother. Music is my output, when I'm listening to music I just get so caught up in it that everything else seems to drift out of my mind. It is one of my favorite feeling. So here is a little preview of what is getting my through finals.

"Last Time"

"22"

"Featherstone"

"Not with Haste"

"Die Young"

"Give me Love"

Lost for words...

         So, I've been sitting here staring at this white blank page since basically yesterday night. I've been telling myself that I need to write another blog, but for some reason I draw a blank when it comes to actually putting words on the page. I have so much I want to talk about and so much I need to talk about, but my brain just isn't connecting to my fingers... Maybe it is just the stress of the upcoming exams, or the desire to finally be home for the holidays. I don't know. I have so much that has been happening lately, good things. It about time... This semester has flown by and been an interesting one to say the least, but it isn't over quite yet, so I won't get into that quite yet. I'll save that for the plane ride home.

          So, to sum up my life in the past few weeks. Over Thanksgiving break, my grandmother had a stroke and ended up in the ICU for a few days and then a few days later got discharged to a rehab hospital, where she has been for the past two or so weeks. I was finally able to go her last friday which was really nice, but also very upsetting for me. Her stroke caused her to have some memory impairments, and she couldn't remember my name, or who I was really when I went to see her. I have begun to collect quite the list of aliases from her. I have been her niece Susan, Christine and Lillian. I worked on a neuro floor earlier this year, so I have worked with multiple stroke patients, so I was surprised when I was so upset after seeing her. It is just so different when it is personal. So I ended up calling my mom in the car in tears... and then the next morning my mom told me she was going to come into Saint Louis for a few days! I cannot begin to explain my excitement. My mother and I are very close, and I hate being so far away from her while at school. When she is around, everything feels calm and safe and I'm just less anxious in general. Hopefully her being here around exams will help me stay somewhat calm and not so stressed out. What else... Clinicals are done for the semester! Well, almost, I have one more Psych clinical on Saturday and then they are done! I am just so ready to go home and be surrounded by family and friends. I am going to the Deb Ball before Christmas and I am so excited about it! My friend Connor, who I went to high school with, and goes to school at Wash U in St. Louis is going with me as my date, and Rebecca and Erin will be there and it is just going to be a lot of fun! So hurry up Christmas Break! Get here already!

          On a completely different note, I was listening to this song tonight, a lot actually and wanted to share with with you. "Take courage when the road is long, don't ever forget you are never alone."

Camp Motto

Advent Reflections

          Just now I was sitting down in bed to write my blog and was coming to a blank on what to write. So, I asked Allison who suggested writing about either "SLUmor has it" or "JP's hair swoop." Although both of those would be quite fun to write about, I just wasn't feeling it. My response to Allison was something that I thought I would never say in my life.... "I feel like being philosophical" What is happening to me? I hate philosophy. I absolutely dreaded last spring when I had to finally take Intro to Philosophy. And here am I, now wanting to be philosophical. I don't know what is happening to me.

           So three days ago marked the beginning of December and therefor the beginning of Christmas Season!! I am so excited and so ready for Christmas. I even have the schedule for ABC's 25 Days of Christmas saved on my desktop. As excited as I am for Christmas, that isn't what I want to write about tonight. Growing up, I was always so focused on Christmas that I didn't really think so much about Advent, other than when I was reminded at Church on Sunday or at CCD on Wednesday Night. That is until recently. These past few years, probably since junior year or so of high school, when I really began to reexamine and grow in my faith and relationship with Christ. That is whole different and very long story, maybe I will get into it another day. It is a story that is still being written everyday.

          This past Sunday was the first Sunday of Advent and the first Sunday of the new liturgical year. Advent is all about preparing for the coming of Jesus and taking the time to spiritually and mentally prepare yourself for that. For the past few weeks, I have attended mass at the Cathedral Basilica, which is absolutely beautiful. For a few weeks, I went alone which was surprisingly really calming and peaceful, but this past week I went with three of my good friends/housemate which was really nice. We were the offertory gift bearers, at the BASILICA, we are kind of a big deal. As we sat listening to the homily, so many of the things that the priest was saying really stuck with me. He was talking about Advent and preparing for the coming of Jesus, and he talked about how the readings from the previous week were all about preparing for the "end times" and the second coming of Jesus. He mentioned a show called Doomsday Preppers, where people physically go to any length to prepare themselves for "Doomsday." He then went on to talk about how the "end times" whatever they may entail do not need physical preparation by us. Instead we are asked to constantly spiritually prepare ourselves by going to confession, praying, going to church and examining our all aspects of our life, especially our spiritual life. Socrates did say, "The unexamined life is not worth living for a human being." (See, I can be philosophical). 

          We can't spend so much time focusing on all the physical things in life. We should not spend so much time trying to free our body from pain and distress, but instead we need to sped more time freeing our soul from pain and distress. One thing that the priest said that really stayed with me was, "All things in the world, no matter how good they are, eventually pass away." The beautiful sunset at the end of the day eventually turns to darkness, the night sky covered in stars turns to day, the colorful autumn leaves falls to the grounds and lose their color, and time passes, never to return again. So when all these physical things begin to pass away in life, what can we focus on? More like, what should we focus on? I hope this gives you something to think about, reflect on and examine this Advent!

Avalanche City

So, I recently discovered this band and I absolutely love them. The band is called Avalanche City and they are a group from New Zealand! Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Go- Avalanche City

Love Love Love

You and I

Sunset

The Uses of Sorrow

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

-Mary Oliver

          What is written above is an absolutely beautiful poem that I just happened to stumble upon a few weeks ago and has stuck with me ever since. The poem by Mary Oliver is called "The Uses of Sorrow." It is a short and sweet poem, but it is so deep and has really spoken to me over the past few months. 

          I think that so many people often look as sorrow as a punishment or as some terrible thing that they have to put up with. I know for a fact, that until recently that is what I thought of it. Whenever I got a "box full of darkness" I was the first person to ask "why me?" or "what did I do to deserve this?" or the ever so common "really God??" It took me years, until this fall actually, to realize these boxes of darkness, these times of sorrow are not a bad thing. Though they may seem like they are bad and overwhelming, they are actually a gift. You may disagree with me completely, and that is totally ok. I just pray that one day, you can see what I mean, and hopefully you can learn to view sorrows as a gift. Where do your boxes of darkness come from? Do you create them? Do random people give them to you? Do they come from someone you love? It doesn't matter where they come from, what matters is what you choose to do with this darkness when it comes into your life. You have two choices: you can choose to let these sorrows affect you in a negative way, or you can choose to uses them and learn from them. 

          If you choose to do the latter of the two, you are on your way to viewing these sorrows as gifts. When you choose to use sorrows and learn from them, you realize how strong you are and learn so much about yourself. This is what I have learned over the past year or so. The poem above is called the "Uses of Sorrows," it actually encourage is to do something when sorrows come into our life, not just to sit back and mope and do nothing about them. It is hard to receive boxes of darkness, especially from someone you loved, you don't want to believe that it is possible for them to have the ability to do that. But I have learned that sometimes it is those sorrows that are the most useful for learning about yourself. In recent times of sorrow, I have learned how strong I am. I may not have believed that these periods of darkness could be overcome, but somehow I always end up on the other side of them, in one piece I might add. Not only do I make it through them but I come out a better and stronger woman. I learn about what it is I truly want in life, and it is also during these times that I realize what needs to be changed in my life to make me a better person. So when you receive a box of darkness what are you doing to do? Are you going to view it as a burden, or are you going to view it as a gift?