The Uses of Sorrow

Someone I loved once gave me

a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand

that this, too, was a gift.

-Mary Oliver

          What is written above is an absolutely beautiful poem that I just happened to stumble upon a few weeks ago and has stuck with me ever since. The poem by Mary Oliver is called "The Uses of Sorrow." It is a short and sweet poem, but it is so deep and has really spoken to me over the past few months. 

          I think that so many people often look as sorrow as a punishment or as some terrible thing that they have to put up with. I know for a fact, that until recently that is what I thought of it. Whenever I got a "box full of darkness" I was the first person to ask "why me?" or "what did I do to deserve this?" or the ever so common "really God??" It took me years, until this fall actually, to realize these boxes of darkness, these times of sorrow are not a bad thing. Though they may seem like they are bad and overwhelming, they are actually a gift. You may disagree with me completely, and that is totally ok. I just pray that one day, you can see what I mean, and hopefully you can learn to view sorrows as a gift. Where do your boxes of darkness come from? Do you create them? Do random people give them to you? Do they come from someone you love? It doesn't matter where they come from, what matters is what you choose to do with this darkness when it comes into your life. You have two choices: you can choose to let these sorrows affect you in a negative way, or you can choose to uses them and learn from them. 

          If you choose to do the latter of the two, you are on your way to viewing these sorrows as gifts. When you choose to use sorrows and learn from them, you realize how strong you are and learn so much about yourself. This is what I have learned over the past year or so. The poem above is called the "Uses of Sorrows," it actually encourage is to do something when sorrows come into our life, not just to sit back and mope and do nothing about them. It is hard to receive boxes of darkness, especially from someone you loved, you don't want to believe that it is possible for them to have the ability to do that. But I have learned that sometimes it is those sorrows that are the most useful for learning about yourself. In recent times of sorrow, I have learned how strong I am. I may not have believed that these periods of darkness could be overcome, but somehow I always end up on the other side of them, in one piece I might add. Not only do I make it through them but I come out a better and stronger woman. I learn about what it is I truly want in life, and it is also during these times that I realize what needs to be changed in my life to make me a better person. So when you receive a box of darkness what are you doing to do? Are you going to view it as a burden, or are you going to view it as a gift?

November 30

God knows me too well :)

Wednesday's Wisdom

          Unfortunately due to clinical prep, I don't have the time to write out the full blog post that I wanted to so for now I am just gonna post a quote that I hope brings you some wisdom or peace or something to help you get through the rest of the week. This may become a weekly thing on wednesdays/ hump days. Who nows?

Finding Neverland

          As a young girl, I was fascinated with the story of Peter Pan, but then again who wasn't? I loved hearing the story of the boy who never grew up, I absolutely love the movie, and the Peter Pan ride has been and probably will always be my favorite ride at Disney World. In fact, the night before moving off to college 2 and a half years ago, I had to watch Peter Pan with my little sister. I love everything about Peter Pan; the indians, pirates, mermaids, and the great adventure that 4 young children and their dog get to embark on. I am pretty sure that growing up, I was determined to find a way to reach Neverland and be the mother for the lost boys. Only if I was Wendy, I don't know if I could have ever left Neverland. As a young girl, the idea of never growing up seemed like a pretty good path to me. I never wanted to go into the real world, or get a job, move away from home, and grow older. I feel like even though I have grown older, there is still that little girl in me somewhere who wishes Peter Pan was real and Neverland did actually exist. But unfortunately, just like the ticking crocodile that is always chasing after Captain Hook, time is always chasing after us, forcing us to grow up.

         As much as I hate to admit it, I am growing up and in about a year and a half I'm going to have to make the transition from college into the real world. And I thought the step from high school to college was daunting. That has nothing on this deadline that is coming up. I know it may seems like a year and a half is a long time from now, but at the rate this year has been going by, the next three semester, the next 44 credit hours are going to fly by in the blink of an eye. And then what? I have to grow up. "Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience" The older I get, the scarier growing up gets and the more peace I find about the whole matter. I know that seems completely contradictory, but it somehow is the way I feel.

          Recently, I have been reminded about just how fast I am growing up, and that the little kid in me in becoming less and less a part of who I am. I already mentioned that next year I am going to be graduating and I am going to have to start looking or a job and an apartment and I am going to have to begin the next chapter of my life. So weird. This past weekend, I attended the wedding of my friend Allie and her now husband PJ. It was an absolutely beautiful wedding and I am so grateful that I was able to fly down to Baton Rouge to attend the wedding. This was the first wedding that I have attended in which one of my friends was actually getting married, and I couldn't have asked for a better weekend surrounded by my camp family and friends. Allie is only two years older than me, so basically my age, and I have known her since I was like 8 when we first met at camp. Nothing says that you are growing up, like when your friends begin to get married. It is like the grown up train coming down the track at full force and you are in the way. I have even had girls from my club volleyball teams who now have children. Like wow! But really, when did I become a grown up? 

          Even though I will admit that I am growing up, and will be entering the “real world” in about 18 or so months…. I refuse to lose the child in me. I may be a “grown up” according to society, but I am still a child at heart and I refuse to let that go. I may be 20 but I still love going to camp, dressing up as a pirate, I still love Disney movies, and seeing how far I can jump of the swing, I still believe Disney World is the most magical place on earth and that laughter is the best cure to anything. I do still believe that Neverland exists. It may not be a place where we can fly away to and escape reality and never have to grow up or worry about grown up problems, but it is inside of each an everyone of us. It's a blank canvas that you are born with, and as you grow and dream it is painted by your imagination. It is filled with excitement and adventure. Neverland is whatever you want it to be. So, I guess I don't have to go looking for Neverland, because it has always been a part of me and always will be, even when I do "grow up".

          I guess growing up isn't such a bad thing after all. According to Peter Pan, "To live would be an awfully big adventure."

Thanksgiving!

          I sit here writing this completely stuffed from a delicious Thanksgiving dinner with my family. I was a small dinner, only my parents, brother, sister and I. Unfortunately Daniel wasn't able to come home because of work :( I am so glad that I was able to come home for Thanksgiving! For a while, I was unsure whether or not I would actually be able to come home, but my mother being as amazing as she is, made it all work out, as always. I don't know what I would have done if I had not been able to be with my immediate family over Thanksgiving, probably mope around feeling sad for myself. So thankfully it didn't come down to that. Tomorrow I have to go though, and it is going to be a bittersweet goodbye. I wish I could stay home longer and have more time with my family and best friends, but at the same time I am so excited because tomorrow I am flying down to Baton Rouge to go to my friend Allie's wedding!!!! I can't believe she is getting married in 2 days! The soon to be Mrs. Graham! I absolutely love weddings, they make me so happy! I am going to cry for sure!

          These past few days of break have been absolutely splendid. I was able to spend time with my best friends from high school who I have missed so much! I had a girls night with Anna and Erin and went on a walk and caught up with Rebecca. Last night, I hung out with Ellen and Stephen which was so much fun. I read a whole book! (This never happens because I am always too busy!) Over the past few days, especially today I have been thinking a lot about everything I have to be thankful for. I've always had so much to be thankful for, but quite honestly, I don't think I realized how special it all was until recently. I feel like in the past, I have had a habit for taking thing for granted. Who doesn't, right? I don't want to take things for granted any longer. I just want to give thanks!

What I am Thankful For: (in no particular order)
1. For my faith and relationship with God that continues to grow and strengthen every day!
2. My Parents, who have always been there to support me and given me all the opportunities to grow into the woman I am today
3. My Siblings, even though we may not have always gotten along, I am thankful that we grow closer everyday.
4. My Family, and all the great memories they have given me over the past few years and the many more to come.
5. My pets, who are always there to cuddle with me and love me when I come home.
6. My friends, both from high school and college who have always been there for me through all my ups and downs.
7. The Micah Community and all that it has given me
8. Camp Kahdalea and my camp family for all the life lessons that they have taught me, for reminding me that I am beautiful and special, and for being there to support me and stand by me with whatever life throws my way.
9. CCES, I sure do miss that place. I have so many wonderful memories from high school that I hold so close to my heart. And for the amazing education that it gave me!
10. The opportunity to go to SLU! I have met some of my best friends and learned so much about myself, life and love there!
11. My housemates! They are such an amazing group of young men and women and some of my best friends ever! Not to mention they put up with me and my roller coaster of emotions this year.
12. Music! Who isn't thankful for music. I can get lost in music, let it take my mind away for a while to rest and calm down.
13. All the amazing trips that I have been able to go on and experience with my family and friends.
14. For being healthy, and not getting sick once this year.
15. For Chocolate, I don't know how I could have gotten through this semester without it.
16. Girls nights!
17. Laughter
18. Greenville, SC
19. Bunny Boo, I have to be thankful for bunny boo who has always been there for me and always will! The best stuffed animal a girl could ask for.
20. LIFE

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I hope everyone has had an amazing thanksgiving full of family, friends, laughter and love.

Mentally Checked Out

          So, since approximately 9:41 this morning, when Older Adult Nursing was over, I have mentally been on break. Actually, I would say it was more like since 8:15 when we turned in our quiz, because I did not pay attention during class at all... oops. Instead, my time was spent going through multitudes of pages of #whatshouldwecallme and #howdoiputthisgently. So much more productive, right? I then came home to be only more productive and watch Dexter. I did however manage to squeeze some school work into that 5 hour span. The high light of my afternoon was probably something most people would dread. I went with my friend JP to Walgreens to drop-off a prescription and since we leave tomorrow for Thanksgiving, we needed to wait for it to get filled, which took approximately an hour and fifteen minutes.... I don't know how JP manages to have the worse health luck of any person on the face of this earth, but he does. He is a walking accident waiting to happen, but you can't help but love him. He is also one of the kindest, most genuine and relatable person I know. He is extremely down to earth and humble and has the warmest and caring heart of anyone I have ever met. I could go on and on about how amazing he is, and why he is one of my best friends. This is the reason that I didn't mind spending over and hour at Walgreens with him. I got the chance to just catch up and talk to him about life and everything I could think of. Watching him kinda make a fool out of himself playing with the bubbles from the body wash bottle was a plus to. I love him to much to tell him he looked like a 6'4" child playing with the bubbles. Other than that, my night has been pretty uneventful besides small group where we played telephone pictionary. It was so much fun and there was so much smiling and laughter. We might have a house bonding night later so that is exciting too!

          Even though I do not leave to go home until tomorrow morning, mentally I am on Thanksgiving break. I am so very ready to be home already. This time tomorrow I will be back in the good ole south in the comfort of my childhood home surrounded by my family, best friends since elementary school and my loving and precious pets. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. I am just looking forward so much to break and not just for the fact that I am going home. I have so much that I want/ am going to do, to look forward to. First, I get to see my best friends from high school who I have been friends with since kindergarden!!! I miss them so much and am in much need of a girls sleepover night with Triston and Isolde, pizza and sour patch kids, just like in high school! I get to hopefully go shopping with my mom! I am hopefully going to the Deb ball in December so, I have to find a dress. And then there is Thanksgiving of course, which means my mom's cooking! One of the things I am most excited about is spending some good quality bonding time with my little sister. I miss her so very ver much. Unfortunately, I don't get to spend the whole break at home, but I am ok with that because on Friday I am flying down to Baton Rouge, LA for my friend Allie's wedding!!!!! AHHH! I can't believe that she is getting married in less than a week! Not only do I get to see her and go to her wedding, but my other best friend, Amanda, is a bridesmaid and will be there and I will get to see tons of other friends from camp. I can't wait! This is also partly because I am really excited about my outfit to wear to the wedding! 

          So this may be the best Thanksgiving break ever. Just saying. I know that it will go quickly though, which can only mean one thing. Winter break is upon us. Bring on the cold and snow. 29 days until I am home for Christmas break!! Also, 37 days until Christmas!!!!!!!!

Old Pine

Wisdom for Wednesday

I absolutely love the photo and the message the it portrays!

A Letter to my Teenage Self

          First, I know this is my second post today, but quite frankly I am bored and have nothing else to do. I spent so much time this weekend on homework, that I really have nothing else to do now, I even finished an assignment that isn't due until December!! So what better to do than blog again, it makes me happy. I got this idea from a friend of mine who did this one her blog, but I want to write a letter to my teenage self. Looking back on the past few years, I realize how much I went through, good and bad, and how much I have grown, emotionally and spiritually. I look back and realize how lost I was going through most of that, I honestly had no clue what was going on or where my life was taking me. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, my past and how it shaped me into the woman I am today. And then I think, know where I am today, what could I tell my teenage self to give her strength and courage that I know she often needed. This isn't going to be particularly easy for me because I don't like talking about myself, especially when I was at my weakest. I wouldn't be doing this if it was going to be of some benefit for me, and who knows, maybe it will help you get to know me a little better. So here it goes. What words of wisdom do I have for my teenage self?

Dear Elizabeth,
          Where do I even begin? I have so much that I could write about, so much that I know now that I wish I knew five years ago. I am only 20 and by no means wise. I don't even consider myself a grown-up. In fact, I am still scared to grow up and still searching for Neverland. I know I used to say that I couldn't wait to grow up and graduate from high school and college and get a job etc. But don't try to grow up so fast, because in a few years you will be wondering where all the time went. And when the time comes where you actually have to starting looking into the "real world" it's scary, I'm not gonna lie. I know right now you think that when you are older everything will be perfect, that if you only wait a few years, all your problems will seem to disappear. Well, some problems may not be there anymore, but there are always new ones to fill their place. One thing I have learned over the past few years it is: Don't look at problems as things that are trying to tear you down. Instead, look at them as obstacles to overcome that can only make you stronger. I know it may not seem like it now, but you do overcome all your struggles and in the end you will be stronger and more confident. Trust me on this one. We have been through a lot, you and I. I wish I could say that we have had our fair share of struggle and that is it, but unfortunately we will go through a lot more. Only now, we are stronger and know that we can get through anything that is thrown our way.
          No matter how hard you work to make all your friendships and relationships be "perfect," the will never be that way, and that is actually ok. Life can't be perfect, and neither can relationships, just accept it now. Don't try and ignore or deny any problems to try and keep things perfect. We do this a lot, and I still do it today. I hate conflict with a passion, and will do anything to avoid conflict, even if it means ignoring problems. I know at the moment it seems like this will keep you from hurting, but in the end it will cause you more pain then you thought possible.*Speaking from personal experience here.* This is only going to hurt your friendships and pushing the people you love farther away from you. Speaking of friendships, don't be so closed off to other people. We build a brick wall, a barrier to prevent people from seeing inside our soul. I know it is a defense mechanism, and a way to prevent you from getting hurt, but the best friendships and relationships are built on honesty and being open. It wasn't until just recently that I was truly open and honest with someone about my past and my feelings, and get this, they accepted me! In a few years you will meet someone you trust completely and being around them is so comfortable that you can't help but be open with them. It is scary, don't get me wrong, but it also one of the most freeing and healing feelings that you will ever experience.
          Hmm. I don't like writing about the tougher stuff but I know it will be good for me. I know you deal with some self-confidence issues, to say the least. It's hard. You don't feel pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or even good enough. Every day at school you are surrounded  by the pretty, tiny little girls who seem to have it all together and there you are awkward and alone, or at least sometimes it feels like that. Don't let this get the best of you like I did. Why did you let yourself believe that you weren't good enough? Why did you let your "disordered eating" as they called it take over your life? I look back on pictures from junior year and wonder how I let it get so bad. Thank goodness you overcome that and actually get to a point where you are healthy again, both physically and mentally. Don't let depression get the best of you, keep fighting! Ask for help you need it, there is no shame in needing help. Don't only ask friends and family for help, ask God for help. I know your relationship with him is still iffy and you are trying to figure things out,  but you will figure it out and it will be everything you ever dreamed of and more.
           The next few years are going to fly by in the blink on an eye. You are going to make some great friends and unfortunately lose a few friends too. You will laugh a lot and cry just as much. You will go SLU and join Micah, which is going to be the best decision of your life. You are going to make such amazing friends that will always be there. Don't take those friendships for granted. You are going to fall in love for the first time, and then have your heart broken for the first time. You can't avoid it, but you will get through it. Just when your life feels like it is at it's lowest, things are going to get better!
          You are beautiful and smart and important. You have so much going for you. You're life is only just beginning!

One 20 year old Elizabeth

I am a Princess

          At some point or another growing up all little girls dream of being a princess. We dream of meeting our Prince Charming, being swept off our feet, getting married and moving into a castle. We picture ourselves in pretty dresses, with beautiful jewelry and a crown on our head, I could probably go on an on. As a young girl, I had the whole story pictured perfectly in my head. To my little girl self, being a princess was the ultimate dream, the perfect ending. I won't deny that these thoughts still pop into my head, even though they are completely unrealistic, like what if I did meet some royal and fall in love and become a princess. In fact, to this day I do still dream of being a Princess, however, my view of what a princess is has changed. You don't need a to wear a crown or to live in a castle to be a Princess. Many of our ideas about what it mean to be a Princess growing up we got from Disney movies, my favorite growing up was Sleeping Beauty. Although, I must say, I really do love Tangled now. One of the things that I love about Disney is that they do have all those Princesses for little girls to fall in love with and look up to, but at the same time they help girls realize that Cinderella, Aurora, Belle, and Sleeping Beauty aren't the only princesses out there. They teach girls that they are princesses regardless of whether or not they wear a crown on their head. The message is quite simple, being a princess isn't having a title, it is a way of life.

          Last year, I had the amazing opportunity to run the Disney Princess Half-Marathon in Disney World with my best friend and my sister. It was such an amazing experience and a great girls weekend. Although men can run in the half-marathon (there were many men running in tutus), the event is really designed specifically for women, of all ages. It is inspired by the Disney Princesses and they focus on attributes that all princesses possess: commitment, determination, courage, perseverance and strength. It was amazing! There were close to 20,000 runners! I am so glad that I got to experience that. I can know say that 1) I ran a Half-Marathon 2) through Disney World 3) got to run through Cinderella's castle 4) with my best friend and sister 5) while wearing a tiara. And I must say that Disney completed their goal, with me at least, because that weekend was probably the time where I felt the most determined, persevering, strong and courageous. I am hoping to run it again someday because I loved it that much. I highly recommend that everyone should run the Princess Half-Marathon at least once in their life. Trust me, you won't regret it. Here is a video from last year's Half Marathon when I ran!

          Recently Disney released a new campaign/video about what it means to be a Princess.  I may not have a tiara, live in castle, or be married to a prince, but I am a Princess. I know you may think I'm crazy. I mean, I am a 20 year old who is calling herself a princess, but that is exactly what I am :) So, why is it that I am a Princess? Well, let me tell you. I am Princess. I am scared sometimes, and I am courageous sometimes. However, I don't let them fact that I am scared keep be from being courageous. I know I am strong. I believe in honesty and trust and loyalty. I believe that loyalty depends on being trusting and being honest. I believe that honesty is the base of all healthy relationships. I am kind and compassionate. I don't let what other say or do stop me from being kind and generous. I love to put others before myself, in fact I am usually the last person I tend to take care of. I believe that it is not only important to stand up for what I believe in but it is also important to stand up for others. I believe that you can accomplish anything you set you heart to as long as you believe in yourself. I know the value and the importance of friendship, and won't let anything take that away from me. Kindness is power. I believe in keeping promises, but also owning up to what you did wrong. I believe that showing weakness and asking for help makes you stronger. I believe that you should never stop caring for those you love, no matter how far you grow apart. I believe in having dreams. It has taken me a long time to realize this, but I believe I am beautiful and I believe I am important, and no one can tell me otherwise. I don't need a crown. I am a princess. You are a princess. Long may we reign.

Demons and Fears

          I am a firm believer that you can learn a great deal about where a person is in their life based on the music that they are listening to. I know for a fact that this is true of me. I am one of those people who you can tell what mood they are in just by looking at the music that they are listening to. My mood dictates my music and my music dictates my mood, it's of a cyclical nature. One of the songs that has been on my mind and on my iTunes recently is "Home" by Phillip Phillips, the winner of season 11 of American Idol. I'm sure most of you have probably heard this song because it is all over the radio, and if you haven't heard it, it is definitely worth the listen. Trust me on this one. 

          I am not so sure why this song has been so special to me recently, but I have a few ideas. Like I said earlier, my music correlates with my mood, and this whole year I have been pretty homesick and have felt like I was a bit lost. I'm a junior in college, and I am finally beginning to realize that in a year, I will be out of college and in "the real world." It is all going to be new, and unfamiliar. I know it is a long way away, but at the rate this year is going, graduation is going to be here before I know. I feel like in the blink of an eye, I will be graduating and saying goodbye to SLU. As much as I hate to admit it, I am growing up, "turning into an adult." I will be turning 21 this year, I have friends who are getting married, friends who are having children, friends moving away to get jobs and to begin the next chapter in their life. This is all so exciting, but it at the same time it scares me. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for all that is yet to happen, but the idea of multiple blank chapters of life ahead of me causes a lot of fears to arise. In fact, I have a lot of fears in general. This isn't new for me, I am always afraid of something, not just the future, and I am guilty of letting those fears start to control my life, my anxiety is proof of this. There is part of the song "Home" that has been running through my thoughts over and over again. It must be another of those subtle signs that God is trying to send to me. These are the words:

"Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found"

          We all have our own demons, that stir up fears and insecurities within us. They know exactly where reach down into our hearts to find our insecurities and turn them into fears. These demons fill our life with fears and troubles and drag us down. These fears can be anything from a fear of the dark, or a fear of being alone. No matter what the fear is or how severe it is, when it arises, it is crippling in some way or another even if you don't want to admit it. 

          I have many fears, probably more than most people in fact. Some of them are realistic, and some of them frankly are completely irrational, but nonetheless they still awaken a sense of anxiety and distress within me. What exactly do I fear?

-Spiders                                                                    -Sharks
-Haunted Houses                                                    -Scary Movies
-Being Alone                                                            -Dying Young and Missing out on Life
-Not Being Good Enough                                       -Not being able to have children
-Failing                                                                    -Letting others down
-Losing People I Love                                             -Letting Go
-Being Forgotten                                                     -Not Making a Difference
-Rejection                                                                -Letting Myself Down

          Those are just a few of the many fears that I often find controlling my mind. Some of them are completely irrational and I know that. Like when am I ever going to be eaten by a shark? Just because they are irrational doesn't make the fear any less real.  The fear, is very much real, and often interferes with my everyday life. These fears may cause you to feel temporarily lost, but you can always be found. It is ok to have fears, I know this. But, it is not ok to let those fears take over your life. Although I don't think fears are good when they take over your life, I do think that sometimes fear can be a positive thing in your life. If they are not to overwhelming, they can inspire us to be strong and to overcome them. This is what I have been working on all semester and I challenge you to do the same. Don't let the demons fill you with fear, let them fill you with inspiration. I have worked really hard to believe this, and it has not been easy. But once you do this and realize that your fears are only as big and important as you let them be, you can feel this sense of freedom that will overtake your life and let you feel peace and joy and happiness. 

Study Music

          So, this week has been exhausting and long, and unfortunately it is only just beginning. I wish I had a lot of time to write tonight, but thanks to my psych exam tomorrow, that joy has been taken away from me. However, I can take what little I have of my study break to leave a small note. It was another rainy day, and a study day for me which could only mean one thing; calm and soothing music. I definitely choose my music to fit my mood and today I was in a very calm and peaceful mood (that is, until I started watching the election coverage.....) but that is a different story. These are some of the songs that have been playing over and over on my computer. Hopefully you enjoy them as much as I do.

Shoot the Moon by Norah Jones

One Fine Day by Natalie Merchant

Come Away with Me by Norah Jones

Subtle Signs

          I am a strong believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason and in the end, whatever is meant to be, will be. Although I do believe this, sometimes I get so emotionally caught up in everything that is happening around me and in my life that I forget this. How could something that is meant to be sometimes be so painful, lonely, or chaotic? I more often than not let those emotions overtake my life and my belief that things happen for a reason. I am probably not the only person who thinks this. It's funny though, because I know everything happens for a reason, and I also know that I probably won't now that reason in the near future. I feel like it is one of those things that 20 years down the road you look back and are like "Oh, OK, now I get it...." Although I know I probably wont find an answer anytime soon, it doesn't stop me from looking for that reason nonetheless. I want a "sign" from God that this is how everything is suppose to be and a "sign" that everything will be ok and there is no need to worry. But, what if looking for that reason is causing more pain that comfort? When do we stop?

          I've been praying a lot lately about where I am in my life right now and where I will be in the next chapter of my life and even who I am supposed to be. I'm guilty of asking God to just give me all the answers, to give me a sign that everything is going to be ok and that this is his plan for me. I just want to know what I am suppose to do and who I am supposed to be. If only life were that simple... I mentioned how often times I pray and ask God for a sign that everything is going to be ok. I think I expect some large extremely obvious sign, and so that is all I look for. In doing this I miss all the small subtle signs that come into my life on a daily basis. Maybe this "sign" isn't going to be some grand affair, maybe it is a bunch of subtle but persistent signs instead. I so often get caught up in looking for some large obvious sign, that I overlook and push aside the small subtle signs that come into my life on a daily basis. This is my life for the past few weeks. I've been praying for something to let me know everything is working out how it is supposed to be and asking about what I am suppose to do. Since asking about all of this, there has not been any fireworks in the sky, no light bulb over my head, no big obvious sign. However, I have had a bunch of subtle signs telling me it's ok to let go, to be happy, that to let go does not mean to forget, and whatever is meant to be will be in the end. I was watching a video that my brother told me about and online that really stuck out to me was "To reach your destiny, you have to crawl over your history." These little signs have come in the form of a video series my brother told me I needed to watch, my daily devotionals, songs that seem to come up all the time on itunes, conversations with my cousin and her husband,little emails and quotes my friends send me, even in a text conversation I had with one of my amazing little campers the other day. The list goes on and on. I can't say exactly when all this started, because it was only recently that I started to notice it. I noticed it when I actually started believing what they were trying to tell me. It is funny how things work out sometimes. You often have to lose yourself in order to find yourself, you have to hit rock bottom before you can realize how much you have going for you, you have to let something go before you can even dream of getting it back. Often times you have to lose hope, love, joy or peace, in order to actually be ready to have them in your life. Why it took me so long to realize this, I don't know. But I do know it now, and that is all that matters.

          My request for you is not to spend so much time looking for a large sign that this is how everything is suppose to be. Look for the subtle signs, they tell you everything.

p.s.- I took my little cousin, Jack, to see Wreck it Ralph yesterday which was adorable. But by far, my favorite part of the movie was the new disney short film that played before called "paperman" If you don't want to see the movie, I recommend going just to see the short. It was about what I'm talking about: whatever is meant to be will be. It is a love story about two stranger who are meant to be together and how nothing can stop what is suppose to be.

Words

Looking for the Unlocked Doors

           So this week has been far beyond exhausting. I started off my week with an exam in my Nursing Care for the Older Adult, which went fine, but was exhausting nonetheless. To follow up with that, was a test in Nursing Care for the Adult on Wednesday, which basically took over my life for the past week. It seems like sometimes the School of Nursing loves to make us stress out and feel like we are failing at life. For example, they love scheduling all are major tests within a week of each other. Next week I have the pleasure of stressing over a Nutrition exam and a Psych/Mental Health exam. Woohoo, life of a nursing student..... or not because we don't really have life at all. Along with all those tests, I have 6 hours of Psych clinicals every Saturday, and 12 hours of Geriatric clinicals every Thursday, oh and a simulation lab at 7 am next Friday. Although it is extremely exhausting and draining, it does pay off because clinicals only reaffirm to me that nursing is my calling. I absolutely love it and couldn't picture myself doing anything else with my life other than being a mother and a wife, way down the line in my future. I am very excited about next semester which is when I will get to take Maternity Nursing and Pediatric Nursing, which is what I want to do one day. At this moment I am looking at being Labor and Delivery nurse or a Pediatric Oncology nurse, maybe even a Nurse Practitioner. One day.... We will just have to wait and see where life takes me.

          Now, that I have ranted a bit about my crazy life as a nursing student, I can actually talk about what I wanted to talk about. All day at the hospital, when I had down time (which is more often than not in older adult clinicals) I kept thinking about what I wanted write about. This was what was getting me though the long and somewhat boring day, the moment when I got to curl up in bed in my pajamas under the christmas lights, writing my blog with a cup a coffee. I'm surprised how much I have missed being able to write every night and clear my head. So, now is my time.

          I've been thinking a lot lately about all the open doors that make appearances in my life. We have all heard the saying "When one door closes, another one opens." I do honestly believe that to be true, however, I hate how doors tend to close at the most inconvenient times. Just when you think things are going as planned and everything seems perfect, life couldn't go wrong, BAM, it does. And it seems like life just wants finds pleasure of laughing in your face. I know for me, when God closes a door in my face, I try to understand why. Why me? Why now? Why is my life becoming more complicated? I think one reason that I don't like doors to close is because I don't want to lose what is behind them. I know that may sound completely irrationable because the door is closed and therefore I have already lost whatever it is was behind that door. I just don't want to let go. I am the type of person who gets so caught up in trying to understand why a door closed in my life, that I don't even care to look at all the doors that are opening, waiting for me to explore the opportunities. It all goes back to the comfort thing. I like being comfortable and I am comfortable with what I know and what I am used to, and when that leaves my life I  feel out of control, vulnerable and scared. I don't like the idea exploring those "open doors" because I don't know what is going to happen.  I have come up with my own way to describe these doors, they are the closed, but unlocked doors. Doors close in my life, I know this. Doors also open, but I am too scared to walk through them, yet at least. I'm the type of person who likes to look through the window and see what it has to offer, but never likes to act on it because, frankly, I'm scared. So I close them, but keep them unlocked. I don't completely close my heart to the idea of pursuing them, I just need to work up the courage to do something about it. I need to open my heart up and stay open minded to what God has to offer, because who knows, behind those doors could be my future.

          I don't want to be the person who is so caught up on the past that they miss out on an amazing opportunity sitting right in front of them. I don't want to close doors just to leave them sitting unlocked. I want to have the courage and strength to explore those opportunities. All this came to mind the other day, when I decided I think I know what I want to do for the second half of the summer. Of course I will be at camp for at least half the summer but I now have this idea to do something that could be great and life changing. I don't want to mention what it is because I don't want to get my hopes up and not have it work out. However, there is a passion burning deep inside me and I really really hope that it works out. So, if I could ask you one thing it would just be to pray for me when trying to figure this out, and pray that if this is what I am suppose to do that it will all fall into place. I have a good feeling about this, and I will do everything possible to make sure that it happens.


p.s.- God is funny. As I was writing this, Welcome To Where You Are came on by Bon Jovi and the chorus is:

"Welcome to wherever you are

This is your life, you made it this far

Welcome, you gotta believe

That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be

Welcome, to wherever you are"