The Hardest Person to Trust

         So, this past weekend I was in Houston with my sister visiting my brother and his girlfriend, Vanessa. Saturday we were laying out by the pool just relaxing, doing nothing, which was so nice and very much needed. I love those times when you don't have to worry about anything, but can just relax and be present. It seems though that these are the moments when I start going "philosophical" and have those deep inner dialogues. Which of course was what happened this weekend, a lot actually. I guess I just had a lot on my mind to sift through. No matter how mindlessly my thoughts wondered they always seemed to come back to the same thing idea, trust. Great, my favorite subject..... not at all. Trust has always been a difficult area. I can't really pin point why, but I'll try to explain it to the best of my ability.

         Trust. That assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something. I have always had a love-hate relationship with trust. It has been like this for as long as I can remember. I have always had a hard time trust other people, which I think has probably been a downfall in some of my failed friendships. It is not that I don't believe that said people are untrustworthy or that they aren't capable of being strong and able and trusting. That isn't it at all, because they all were. But for some odd reason, there is something within me that keeps pulling me back whenever I go to trust someone. I know how frustrating it can be, I have gotten the "you don't trust me?" or the "why? why can't you just trust me?" multiple times in friendships and relationships. I wish I could give them the answer, but the only thing that seems to be the answer is "I don't know." obnoxious right? So, this is what has been on pestering me for the past however many days. 

       When I sit and think about it I think the reason that I have such a hard time trusting others is that in order to trust someone you have to become vulnerable, which I highly detest, with a passion. I don't like being vulnerable. I guard and shelter myself. I don't break easily. For as long as I can remember, I have always associated being vulnerable, with being weak, and being weak is definitely a big fear of mine. However, it wasn't until recently that I began to realize that it actually takes a great deal of strength to be vulnerable. I would say that I have very close friends, but even when them I keep a certain comfortable distance that will keep me feeling safe and protected. Because of this I have come to realize that I am a pretty hard person to really get to know. I mean, a lot of my friends know me but at the same time there is so much that they don't know about me, but once again, all my fault. I want people to know the real me, I want to be able to trust others enough to let them get to know that part of me.

        I think the thing that gets me is, that in all honesty, the absolute hardest person for me to trust is myself. I feel like most people can trust themselves no problem, it's just trusting others that is the issue. I can't do either. But I do think that it is harder for me to trust myself than it is for me to trust others. I have always be an indecisive person.... It's not that I can't make a decision, but I can't trust myself to make the right decision, so I keep second guessing myself over and over again. You would think that the easiest person to trust is yourself right? Who knows you better than you? If only it were that easy for me. I think that in order to really be able to trust yourself, you need to know who you are as a person and have an idea of what you what in life. I feel like as I grow older, I learn that there is so much that I don't know about myself. This year though, I have learned more about myself than I can possibly imagine. It is like the rock bottom thing, you have to hit rock bottom in order to realize what you want in life and realize where you what to go from there. Not only where you want to go and what you want to be. Slowly I am beginning to trust myself a little bit more... I noticed that I am beginning to trust myself in making decision without the help of others and that I trust myself to know what is good for me and what is important to me. It's a slow and somewhat torturous process, but it is coming along. I guess we will just have to wait and see where it goes from here.