"The Question"

          This past year, one of my old camp counselors and friends, Father Luke Millette was ordained in the Catholic Church. I first met Luke about 8 years ago when he was the head of girls paddling staff and I was one of the 8 girls in the advanced paddling group at camp. It is quite funny because back then we would always joke around and call him "daddy" since he was like a father figure in our group and now we actually call him Father Luke. This summer I had the pleasure of going to mass said by Father Luke when he came to spend a few days at camp, and it was amazing. I wish I was able to attend on of his masses every week but unfortunately that is not possible. However, Fr. Luke has been kind enough to email some of his homilies to members of the camp community. Most recently I read his homily from the 28th Sunday of Ordinary Time. It was a very moving homily for me and part of it really stuck out to me, and I want to share it.

"You see, we all search for things that will excite us and make us happy, things that will fill the empty moments of our lives whether it is reading or travelling or adventure or alcohol or drugs or dating or even sex. The problem is that these things never quite quench the thirst we find inside ourselves. It might satisfy us for a moment, or even for a few days, but eventually the adrenaline wears off, the buzz goes away, satisfaction is replaced by shame, and we end up right back where we started, just as empty as we were before.

This question is the question, the question that burns at the heart of every person that has ever lived. How do we rid ourself of this emptiness inside and replace it with a joy that lasts without ending?"

We all have times in our life where we go through a period of feeling empty. This could be emotional emptiness or spiritual emptiness. Sometimes we know the cause of this emptiness and other times we have no clue, it just suddenly makes an appearance in our life. Sometimes we cause this emptiness, sometimes someone else causes this emptiness, and other times, we cannot pinpoint the cause. When we feel empty,  the first thing that we try to do is just to fill the emptiness, because who wants to have a feeling of emptiness, a feeling that something is missing.

I want say that I am not a victim of this, but I am. In fact, this whole semester I have been feeling emotionally empty. (My housemates might not agree completely considering that to them, it probably seems like I have been on an emotional roller coaster this semester.) I think that my "emotional roller coaster" was my way of compensating for the emptiness that haunted me. I wanted/needed to feel something because I didn't want to feel the emptiness burning my insides, when the truth is that's just what I felt. I used being extremely happy or sad to try and disguise that sense of emptiness. I know this probably isn't the best thing, but it was what I was comfortable with, it alleviated the pain. I'm still trying to figure out why I keep doing this to myself, but I can't find the answer. We all do things we know we shouldn't. We know that they aren't good for us, yet we keep doing them. We do them to fill that void, but in the end they don't last. We end up right back where we started, feeling empty.

If I could go back to the exact moment when I began feeling this emptiness, I would in a heartbeat. Wouldn't we all? I won't lie, I am guilty of closing my eyes and going back in time, picturing things differently, and examining where I would be had this emptiness not come in to my life at this moment. That is all it is though, a dream. It's not real. As much as we want to go back in time, we can't. So what do we do? Where do we go from here? I wish I knew the answer to that, but I don't think I ever will. Do we hope that what caused the emptiness will return to fill our heart and soul again? What if we found that one thing but lost it, let it go? Do we find something to fill that emptiness temporary?  Or do we wait? Do we wait for that one thing that will forever fill our heart with joy and rid us of that emptiness? I don't know.

Can you feel the question burning deep in your heart? How do we rid ourself of this emptiness inside and replace it with a joy that lasts without ending?