Friends that become Family

          I remember being told when I was young that "you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." But as I have grown older I learned that in fact you can choose your family. The friends that you have chosen become your family. 

          Four and a half years when I started college as a lonely and scared freshman I had no idea that within the next 4 years I would meet the most amazing group of people. I had no idea that the friendships I would invest myself in would teach me so much about life, love, and happiness. In only 4 years, people I had never known before became my family. I was able to spend this past weekend with a good few of my best friends from college and realized how often I take these friendship for granted, how little I say thank you and how big of a roll they have played in me becoming the woman I am today. 

          It was a bit daunting moving away after college to a city where I knew no one and trying to make friends because deep down I know that I have some of the best friends that I could ever ask for. I have friends that I consider my family. They are the friends I know that I can call no matter what time of day it is. They are people who will be standing next to me on my wedding day (whenever that may be...). They are the people I will be know and aunts and uncles to my children one day, and hopefully our children will be best friends. They are the type of friends who decide last minute to fly in to surprise you for your birthday. I know that their home is always open to me. I don't have to worry about their new friends replacing me. They have seen me at my best and my worse. No matter what happens they are always there to love and support me. They are my family, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Getting an A in Life

         Recently I have been thinking a lot about how we measure success. Growing up, we spend years in school, 16 in total between school and college, and even more if you go to graduate school. That is at least 16 years of our life where success is measure by how well we do on a test, how many A are on our report card, what our GPA is or whether or not we make the Dean's list. We strive to be told by others that we are good enough and successful. In school, success is based on what either how well we know certain information and can analyze that information. We determine our success based on the grade that we are given by our teachers. It's normal that after years of this system we find it easy to rely on others to tell us we are successful or not.

           But what happens when you are no longer in school? What happens when you can know longer get A or a 4.0? How are you supposed to measure success when there is no scale to measure it on? The fact of the matter is that after college no one cares how many A's you got in college or whether or not you were on the Dean's list. After 16 years of relying on others to tell you how successful you are, that is what you expect to continue after college. It's all you know. The problem is that there are no A's in life, there is no report card telling you that you are successful at life.

           The only person who can determine whether or not you are successful in your life is you. The only way you can get an A in life is to give yourself one. There is no formula to a successful life. Everyone has their own definition of success which only makes it fair for each person to determine their own success. I think that this is harder that it seems. It is often said that we are our own worst critics. If this is the case and we are so often putting ourselves down, how are we suppose to build ourselves up where we can call ourselves successful. As with all things we have to start small. Find the little successes in life and slowly build up. And soon enough the little successes will lead to big successes. It's important to remember that success is subjective, not objective.

         

Life as a New Nurse

           This past month marked my 6 month anniversary working as a nurse. I am no longer a nursing student prepping for life after graduation. This is it, this is life after graduation. Four years of nursing school were supposed to prepare me for this moment, to teach me about what to expect when I started my first job. It's true that nursing school prepares you for life after graduation and gives you a sense of what to expect, but at the same time there are so many things that nursing school can't prepare you for, things you have to figure out on your own. Over the past 6 months I have learned a lot of things and realized at the same time that I have so much more to learn. 

           So, you graduate nursing school and spend weeks waking up and studying for hours to prepare for this one test that you have prepared four year for. This one test will determine whether or not you get to be a nurse and add the coveted RN to the end of your name. Now that you have added a few letters to your name you get to actually practice as a nurse. Nothing is as daunting as finding and starting your first job. You go into work not knowing anyone or what to expect. I walked into my first few weeks at work feeling like I knew nothing and that there was always more to learn. 6 months later, I still feel like there is so much more to learn. I've been thinking a lot about what I have learned so far this year. Here is just a few things that I have learned in the past 6 months.

1. There are no stupid questions. Let's face it as much as nursing school prepares you for working as a nurse, there are a lot of things it does not prepare you for. I like to think that nursing school taught me a little bit of everything so that I have enough knowledge to get by in the real world. I realized when I started my job that there were so many things I didn't know, especially working on a specialized floor like pediatric oncology. I would find myself asking question after question to the point where I thought my coworkers would tell me to stop. During my orientation I was told by my preceptors over and over again that there is "no such thing as a stupid question." It's true, there is no stupid question because any question you are asking is for you patient. You are asking questions to insure their safety and well being. So ask questions, lots of them.

2. You are not in this alone. When you start your first job, you feel like you are alone in this world. But you are not alone. Your coworkers will become your teammates. They have been where you are, they at one point were a new nurse too. They will always have your back and be there for you when you need help giving meds, staying awake at 3 am or just a good laugh.

3. This is a messy job. Nursing is a messy job. Whether it is labor and delivery nursing, adult nursing or pediatric nursing, I can assure you that it is not the cleanest. I love my job, even in all its messiness. I look forward to going to work every day even knowing there is a possibility that I will have to clean up vomit or poop. It's not unusual for me to leave work feeling like I smell like vomit, TPN and Lipids, or tube feed formula. It's just all part of the job. 

4. You never know what you are going to get. I have learned that nursing is one job where you must learn to expect the unexpected. You never know what you will walk into when you walk through those doors to the unit. Yes, you may have the same patients that you did the day before, but their health state could have taken a 180 turn in the 12 hours you were gone (for better or for worse). 12 hours is a long time, anything can happen in 12 hours. You have to be prepared for anything, always be on your toes. You must hope for the best, while being prepared for the worst.

5. Study Up. You think that after graduating from college your days of studying are over. WRONG. There is always more to know, always more to study and learn. In the past 6 months I have researched and studied different childhood cancers, chemotherapy drugs, and side effects. But now studying isn't as much of a nuisance as it was in school, maybe its because I'm learning about things that truly interest me. 

6. Time Management. When you have 4 patients, who all have meds at 8 o'clock you have to learn time management. I think that this is one of the most important things that you can learn as a new nurse. If you don't know how to prioritize your tasks and manage your time, you feel like you are drowning. The only way to learn this is just to figure out your own style, what works best for you. 

7. Coffee is your best friend on night shifts. This one is pretty self explanatory. When you work from 7pm-7am, coffee becomes your best friend. I was never one for all nighters in college so when I went from never staying up all night to working all night taking care of patients, I needed coffee (sometime multiple cups of coffee depending on the night).

8. This job is a HUGE responsibility. This may be one of the most important things I have learned in the past 6 months. Nursing is a HUGE responsibility. Nurse are trusted to care for, advocate and make our patients our highest priority. For 13 years, America has voted nursing as the most trusted profession. Patients trust us to take care of them and parents trust us to take care of and insure the safety of the most important thing in their life, their child. We care for very sick and vulnerable people, we see families at their best and at their worst. Not only do we give medications and monitor our patients, we listen to families concerns reassure them of their feelings and do our best to let them know that they are our highest priority. We insure them that taking care of them is not only a job, it is a passion and a calling, it is not something that we take lightly at all. Working as a nurse is a HUGE responsibility, but it is a responsibility that I am honored to have.




         

Home

          So for the past 7 months, I've been living on my own, building my career and creating a life in Nashville, TN. It hasn't been easy, but I always figured it was something I would just power through, as long I as kept looking forward it would get easier. That's how it's suppose to go right? It's like the little engine that could, you keep saying "I think I can, I think I can" until you reach the top of that hill and it will all get better. Once you reach the top you can look back on how far you've come. But what if once you reach the top of the hill, you come to find that another hill is waiting for you. So, you just keep chugging along determined to make it to the top. The problem is, sometimes saying "I think I can" to yourself is just not enough. Sometimes, you just need to hear it from someone else.

           We live in a time when young adults are told that we are suppose to be independent, do things on our own. We are suppose to find our own niche in the world and not rely on others to do that for us. I think this is creates a problem that many young people face. We are afraid to ask for help, because admitting we can't do it on our own makes it seem as if we are a failure. However, sometimes we can't do it on our own. Sometimes we just need to hear someone say "you can do this" or "I'm here for you if you need me." I have found myself in this situation recently, trying to be independent and do everything on my own. I was chugging along ignoring any problems, putting them on the back burner hoping they would stay there, until they didn't. 

          I've realized you can only put so many feelings and thoughts on the back burner before they begin to boil over. When this happened last week I had two options: ignore it and keep moving forward or just take some time, go home and realize that I can't always do this on my own. It didn't take long for me to decide on the latter and drive 5 and a half hours back to my parent's home.  It's like the Andy Grammer song, "No matter where we go, we always find our way back home." There is no shame on turning to your parents when you need help or someone to tell you everything will be ok, even if you are supposed to be a 22 year old "adult". Not much can compare to waking up in your childhood room, laying around watching movies with your parents, and having your mother make home cooked meals for you.

So lesson learned this week: Even if you are 22 and suppose to be an "independent, working adult" there is no shame on going home to your parents' house when you are feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Attempting to Find My Way through Reading

          So here I am. I'm a soon to be 23 year old trying to find my place in the world, my next step in life and most importantly what my meaning in the world is. I feel like these are things that all twenty somethings ask them self at some point in their life. Us new grads are flung into the world after college with tons of questions filling our brain and no idea how to find the answers. Some of the questions I find my self wondering on a near daily basis include:

-What am I doing with my life?
-Have I made the right career decisions?
-What's in store for me in the future?
-What is my next step in this series of random steps in life?
-Why is the real world so lonely sometimes?
-What is my whole purpose in this life?
-Will I ever know the answer to these questions?

           How does one even go about beginning to answer these questions? I look at them and feel a pit in my stomach. A part of me doesn't want to face those questions yet, but at the same time if I don't start facing them now will I ever? People say that your twenties is time when you most grow, the time when you are suppose to find yourself and find your place in this world. Well, I can tell you one thing for sure. I am almost 3 years into my twenties and still have a long way to go before I know the answer to any of those questions. So in my quest to answer these questions and find my place in this world I have decided to read a book every month. So, I basically googles books all 20 something year olds should read. Surprisingly there are quite a few articles with just lists of books that young men and women should read during their twenties. I composed a list of some of those books as well as other books I have been wanting to read. Maybe, just maybe these books will lead me in the right direction on figuring out my life. Twelve months, twelve books. Here we go.

For those curious as to what I will be reading over the next 12 months, here are the books I decided to read:

1. Gone Girl
2. The Defining Decade
3. Wild
4. Crazy Little Things
5. A Guide To Being Born
6. Never Let Me Go
7. Still Alice
8. Tiny Beautiful Things
9. The Love Affairs
10. Self-Help
11. What She Saw
12. The Rachel Papers

Come Fly with Me

         One of my favorite pandora stations to listen to is Frank Sinatra Radio. Whether I am cooking dinner, taking a long bubble bath, or just laying in bed on a rainy day something about old music just puts me in a peaceful state of mind. Don't get me wrong, I love the occasional dance parties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce, but no music today can quite compare to the old school, jazzy sound of Frank Sinatra and others from that time. Maybe it is because I am a hopeless romantic at heart, but I can't help but find the time of jazz bands and swing dancing clubs just captivating. I would love to take a step back in history to the time when men and women got dressed up in fancy dresses and suits to go to a club and dance while listening to a live jazz band. Unfortunately those places are rare and far and in between these days. So, for now I will just have to sit in my apartment, close my eyes and lets my mind slip away to Frank Sinatra.

New Year, Same Me

            Another year has come and gone. Less than two weeks ago, the whole world said good-bye to 2014 and warmly welcomed 2015. Every December people begin preparing their New Year Resolutions, and come January 1 the frenzy begins. You see posts plastered all over Facebook like "It's a New Year, a New Me!" While I applaud people for making goals for personal health, I can't help but almost cringe at that statement. A girl I used to work with at camp put my feelings into words the other day when she wrote "I like to think that we all have the ambition inside of us all along, it's just a final push that helps bring it out of us! It's not a 'new you', it's the you that no longer let's anything hold yourself back from what you want!" It may be a New Year, but I am still the same me. No matter how many changes I make in my life, I am still the same woman I was 3 weeks ago. I am the exact person who God made me to be. I may change over the next year, but I would like to think that it is just me growing into more of who I really am. I hope that I become more of myself by not holding myself back from doing the things that I love, the things that make me happy and the things that allow my true self to shine. So it is not a "New Year, and a New Me". It a New Year, and I am just the same me. Just Elizabeth.

          I, for one, am not the best with New Year Resolutions. Every year I make all these resolutions like working out every day (like that could ever happen) and eating healthy, and every year they last for maybe a few months before I almost forget about them. This year, instead of making the same old typical resolutions that I always do, I decided to make my resolutions things that actually make me happy. I wanted a list of resolutions that I would not dread doing. So, this year I included things like reading a new book every month, taking a day every month just for me to relax and do things that make me happy, and exploring this new city that I call my home now.

          So, I challenge you (whoever you may be) to make your New Year Resolutions for you. Make them things that make you happy, things that bring out the you that you may be hiding inside. And remember, it's not a New Year, New You. It's the you that you are no longer holding back.

Now What?

          Well, it's been a while since I wrote a blog post, about a year and a half to be exact. But it's a new year and with all the changes that have been happening in my life, I decided this was exactly what I needed. I need to get back to the basics and do things that make me happy, things that make me more me. A lot has changed in the past year. I went from being a senior in college to a working professional living on my own, trying to find my place in the big crazy adventure we call life. As I move forward, I can't help but look back on all the good things that ave happened in the past year and a half. That's natural though, right? We look back to what makes us feel comfortable, look back to the times and events that led us to where we are in this present moment. It is those moments that shape us into who we are in this present moment. 

           Looking back I can't help but feel so thankful for my senior year of college. It was all I could have asked for and more. I spent all my time with the very special friends who over the past 4 years have grown to be my family. We laughed together, had dance parties in our back yard in the late hours of the night, watched frozen more times than we probably should have and made memories that will surely be told to our children one day. Unfortunately that time could not last forever and the days until graduation whittled away until there was no time left. It was then then the moment I had been dreading all year, the moment that I would be forced into the "real world."

            After much thought, I decided to jump right into the "real world" by moving to a new town (where I knew no one) in order to start a new job. I had done the whole moving to a new place, not knowing anyone, when I went off to college, but somehow this time it was much more daunting. In college I was thrown into an environment with people in the same stage of life as me, having no idea what we were doing in life. Moving to a new city after college was probably the scariest thing that I have ever done. I moved to Nashville in July, not knowing a soul, living by myself, and starting a job where I literally help children fight for their lives. What could be more scary? Nothing really, or it least it felt like that. There came a point when I had to put all the fears and self-doubt on the back burner, in order to see how truly blessed I was. I graduated from a great university, passed my nursing boards, and started my dream job working as a pediatric hematology/oncology nurse at Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt. 

          What's next? Now that I have checked all of those things of my life to-do list I am faced with the forever daunting question of "Now What?" What comes next? What is the next things to look forward to in my future. There are no more Christmas breaks, spring breaks or graduations to look forward to. Times just passes by, and very quickly I must add. Now that I'm in the real world, I need to find new things to look forward to such as scheduling my next set of shifts, my next day off and lastly friends' weddings. You know you are finally grown up when your first set of college friends get married. So here's to the "real world", the world of unknowns and growing up. May I find the serenity to take life as it comes and find joy in the small things along the way.

To Quote a great movie (Ferris Bueller's Day Off):

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it"

What is LOVE?? (As told by children)

If I were any better.....

       Every morning at camp our director, Mrs. Anne, says some words of wisdom for us to reflect on for the day. Everyone has their favorites, I have 2 or 3 that I look forward to listening to each year. One of those is the story of Jerry that we heard this morning, which is all about attitude.




Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I choose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man" I knew I needed to take action."

What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

         So, 1 1/2 weeks of camp down, 2 weeks to go. I can't even begin to explain how amazing camp has been so far! Orientation and clinics flew by and were surprisingly fun this year, and the first week of actual camp was more amazing than I could have imagined. I had one weekers (which is a new thing for camp this year) and they were the itty-bitty babies, only 7 years old! They were precious and hilarious. The group of six 7-9 year olds traveled in a pack all week to all the different activities and I went with them. Since they traveled in a pack we called them the amoeba.... By the end of the week, everyone was calling them the amoeba!! This past week with the amoeba only reiterated the fact that my passion is working with children. I am always awestruck by how capable children are to love and play. They have such an optimistic view on everything and wear their heart and their feelings on their sleeves. My heart is always overflowing with joy after spending time with children. There is so much to learn about yourself from children.

        My week with them Amoeba was nothing less than amusing. I don't know if I have ever laughed so hard in my life, especially when we took them all on an overnight into the woods (what an adventure).... I knew that it would be an amusing week and that I would have some great quotes, so naturally I wrote all the funny and adorable quotes down. (Also, precursor: My campers all called my "Miss Liz" and when I told them they could just call me Liz they said they liked calling me Miss Liz) So here it goes, I hope you enjoy :)

Harper (7 yrs old): I want to be a ballerina when I grow up..... and work at chick-fil-a

Lilly (7 yrs old): (wake me up by tapping me on the shoulder) Miss Liz, what time is it?

Me: 6 am....

Lilly: How much longer until the wake up bell rings?

Me: 2 hours....

Me: Holly, tell me about 1st grade!
Holly (7 yrs old): I have a crush on a guy and he has a crush on me. He signed my shirt! Well, actually I like thousands of guys.

Lilly: Miriam, can you put your hair down?
Miriam: It is down....

Harper: I want to make new friends and not be the person who is like "sorry you cant be my friend, I have too many friends." I'll just make new friends!

Lilly: Miriam is a little crazy, actually a lot crazy. Just don't tell her I told you that.

Lilly: You know, sometimes you just need a bathroom break.

Harper: Maybe I can take my camera up to the barn, if the horse doesn't eat it. He might think it is an apple, because it kinda looks like an apple.

Me: In college, I can wear pajamas to class if I want to.
Harper: And you don't even have to a pajama day pass?!?!? NO FAIR!!

Harper: If only I had short shorts on under this shirt... Then it would look like I was naked.

Me: Lilly, there is water in the dining hall.
Lilly: Is it free?

Harper: I writing down what I am going to run for president. I want there to be more fun, because I like having fun. I'm also going to stop taxes because no one likes paying taxes to the government.

Mary Elliot (9 yrs old): Hot Chocolate makes me feel good!!!

Mary Elliot: Lilly just hit me in the back...
Me: Ok just go run in circles I guess...?
Mary Elliot: Ok (runs in circle around the camp site, in the rain)

Harper: I'm peeing in the woods! Oh look, a firefly!

Miriam (counselor): Are you special Ed? That's what my boyfriend is. I mean he's not, he just teaches special ed.

Sarah (counselor): If a critter comes under my sleeping bag because of you, I'm going to flip you out of this hammock.

      Well, that all I got. Pictures will be coming soon. But here is a preview of my cute cabin!

The Amoeba: a.k.a my companions for the week!

#summertime

       The very long awaited time is here. A time of relaxation, folly, and fun. It's summertime. Actually, I guess it has been summertime for a little over 2 weeks now for me. It just hasn't really hit me that it is actually summer until I got up to camp yesterday. This past year was a long year. Lot's going on and very hard classes. It seems like summer was the light at the end of a never ending tunnel. It was the green light shining on the opposite side of the bay (i've watched Gatsby recently). But alas, I can say I made it and somewhat gracefully I think at least.

       Summer came at just the right time. It always seems to happen that way, doesn't it? This summer is going to be different, but good I think. I usually spend the whole summer working at camp, from May until August. One summer I only spent half the summer at camp, but that was because we were in Australia for the other half of the summer. And I was missing camp every moment that I was away. This summer though, I'm only going to be here for June. I was a hard decision not to stay the whole summer, but I prayed a lot about it and felt like it was the right thing to do. After a long and stressful summer last summer and a rough year this past year I need camp, but I also need time with my family.

       So, for the next 4/5 weeks or so, I will be burrowed away in the heart of the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. My home away form home. The place that probably had the greatest influence on the woman I am today. I could go on and on about camp, but I'll spare you... for now :) It is one of those place that changes your life, each summer is a life changing summer that greatly shapes your character. And I have no doubt that this summer will be no exception. I just have this feeling that this is going to be a special summer. It will be different though. I honestly have no clue how this session will go, or what I'll be doing. I know I'll have the itty bitty babies for the one week session (which camp has never done before so it is kind of a see how it goes type thing). And I'll be interning with the camp nurse. But after the babies leave, it's all up in the air. Maybe I will have another cabin, maybe I won't. Maybe I will be on Wilderness along with nursing, maybe I won't. There is a lot of uncertainty in the air, which usually makes me anxious. But right now I'm basically like "why worry?," there is no use in that. I'll just go with the flow and see where the wind takes me. What has gotten into me? Who is this person who is actually ok with uncertainty?

       As for the rest of the summer, I don't really know what is going on with that either. There is going to be one week where my parents are gone, so it will just be some serious sister-sister bonding time. We may be going out to Seattle then to do some college visits for Ellen. At some point, we are hoping to go on a family vacation, although we haven't decided where yet.... and Daniel and Vanessa are going to come visit hopefully before I go back to school. I have a long list of things that I either want to do or need to do this summer, whether or not they will get done is another thing... Figuring out my life would be number one on the list. HA, not happening. I'm not ready to face the reality that I will be a grown up in the real world next year.

       New number one on my to-do list: Relax. Have fun. Laugh. Play. Don't worry. Enjoy Summer. 

Young and Beautiful

         So about a week ago or so, I went to see the Great Gatsby with a few friends before leaving for summer. The movie was fabulous. I know that it has gotten a much of mixed reviews but I really enjoyed it. I know I've written about this before, but period pieces like the Great Gatsby, are just something that I can't stay away from. They draw me in. However, what I really wanted to share was a song. The soundtrack to the movie was AMAZING! There was one song that has been stuck in my head almost nonstop. I love it. It is Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Rey. I must admit, I was never a big fan of Lana Del Rey, especially after her much less than impressive performance on SNL.... This song is beautiful and tragic and just awesome.

A Lesson from Shakespeare

          So, I am pretty much in a state of euphoria right about now. The picture above is what sets the scene and mood for this post. It's beautiful right? For the past few days, and for the next few days, I have been housesitting up in Charlotte, NC for our very close family friends (more like extended family really). However, they have a gorgeous house, with a beautiful backyard and pool and hot tub. So, it has just been me and the two dogs (Axel and Izzy) to keep me company. I must say that it is weird staying in a big empty house all alone, especially after living in a cramped house for a year with 12 other crazy friends who I call family. I haven't really been lonely by any means this week, but it does make me miss Laclede House A (who's song has been running through my head non-stop). But like I mentioned, I have enjoyed this time alone, "me time" as I like to call it. I think it has been really good for me. Being alone just allows me to think, gather my thoughts, process everything that's happened, and then feel secure and free to react. This is what I have been doing a lot recently. Pondering. Asking myself questions. I guess being philosophical..... Which I hate to admit because if you know me, you know that I hate philosophy... I guess my roommate the Philosophy minor or major (I can never remember considering she has like 2 majors and 3 minors....) and a few other friends/acquaintances would be proud of me.

          A lot of things have been running through my mind these past few days. One thing on my mind a lot these days is an idea that Shakespeare presented in many of his plays but most commonly known from The Merchant of Venice. Gosh, there are just so many lessons to learn from Shakespeare. The one I am thinking of, however, is "love is blind." 

                                                                  Jessica: 

But love is blind, and lovers cannot see

The pretty follies that themselves commit.           The idea that when two people are in love, they are unable to see the faults in either themselves or the object of their affection. The feelings of love suppress the area in the brain that controls critical and rational thought. I don't at all think that this only applies to love with a significant other but also loving a friend or a family member. Love is love. It's a absolute. But that doesn't mean it is endless. Couple break up or get divorced, family members stop talking, friends stop being friends. Is it all because of the blindness that love causes? The blindness that can keep us from seeing how a person really is, or how we really are when we are around that person. I'm not at all saying that love is a bad thing. I believe that love is an amazing gift, one to be treasured and cherished.          I recently read through a bunch of old journals and letters that I had written and received and so many questions began flying through my head on this subject. What is it about love that makes us blind? Does it make us blind or do we become blind by some choice? If it isn't meant to be, do using this blindness help us try to stay in love? Is all love blind? Is true love, the love you share with the person you spend the rest of your life with, blind?           I don't know the answers to these questions, and I don't know if I ever will have definite answers to them. I think that is one of the beauties of love. You never have all the answers. It is something that you are constantly learning about.

Appreciate the Little Things

Everyone loves being happy, and there are so many things to be happy about. One of my favorite feelings is that little feeling of happiness that you get from just a small little thing that other people may blow of but to you it means something special. Here are some of the little, beautiful things that bring happiness into my life.

1. Wearing sundresses.

2. Falling asleep in your own bed after being away for a while.

3. Watching balloons float into the air.

4. Waiting at the airport to greet someone you love.

5. When you hear songs from your childhood that you still love.

6. Naps.

7. Hot bubble baths.

8. Walking through a forest in autumn, when every step kicks up colorful leaves.

9. Watching rain drip down a window.

10. Cuddling up in a warm blanket with a cup of hot tea.

11.  The feeling of the sun shining on your back.

12. When someone, especially your parents, tell you how proud they are of you.

13. Being able to completely get lost in a book.

14. Cuddling with baby animals.

15. The sound of children laughing.

16. Getting a letter, like an actual snail mail letter.

17. Looking out on the mountains an realizing how small you actually are.

18. Playing baseball in the backyard.

19. Looking back and understanding why certain things happened the way that they did.

20. Realizing how far you have come in such a short time.

Uncertainty

I Want Crazy

One week. One week is all I have left of my junior year in college. One more year at SLU. 376 days until I am wearing a cap and gown for the first time in my life, (in high school we wore white dresses instead of caps and gowns) and walking across a stage to receive my diploma. It seems that as I grow older every year goes by faster and faster. This year seemed to have passed in the blink of an eye. With senior year just around the corner, we are being forced to think about the future and what we want, who we want to be, where we want to be, and who we want to spend our time with. I feel like this has come up quite a bit recently in our house. There has been talk of where people want to go to grad school, if we want to get a job right away or volunteer for a year or two, and where we intend to live and work when we are done at SLU. We are finally getting to the age where we have to seriously think about our future. It’s surreal in a way, and scary at the same time.

I think one of the strangest things to think of is that in the next few years (5-10) some of us will be falling madly in love, getting married and starting families. This is a topic that has come up quite a bit recently I feel like, more the topic of we all expect to be getting wedding invitations from each person in the house, or who is going to be the first in the house to get married and have kids. The more common topic of discussion, at least between me and the Emily’s and Allison is who is in the running for maid of honor at each other’s wedding. The Emily’s and I each have sisters, so the real competition is who is going to be Allison’s maid of honor. As weird as it is to think about, it is something that we talk about. I wish I could still say we have a long time to think about that, or that’s not going to happen anytime soon. But realistically that day will most likely happen in the next 5-10 years.

However, back to my original thoughts for this post.  I was thinking about this whole growing up thing and the fact that what I use to think was so far in the future is actually now the present, and growing up is just around the corner. I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with my life, where I want to spend my life, and most importantly the type of person I want to spend my life with. This may be weird, or you may be thinking, “you’re 21, you have a lot of time to think about that.” And maybe that is true but I’m at that point in my life where I need to start thinking about the type of person I want to date and what I want on my “boyfriend” list (qualities and things that I look for in a guy). I’m ready to start looking for that and I’m ready to find that love again.

I’m only dipped my toes in the waters of love once in my life, and it was amazing (even if it didn’t last). It is the kind of thing that keeps you aching for more, desiring that feeling all the time. I’m excited to feel that again. I’m scared to feel that again. I think I’m ready to feel that again.  I know what I want, well for the most part.

I want crazy. I want that crazy kind of love that bewitches you body and soul. The kind of love that takes you over and makes you feel irrational and completely rationale at the same time. “I don’t want good and I don’t want good enough. I want can’t sleep, can’t breathe without your love. Front porch and one more kiss, it doesn’t make sense to any body else.” I know that that kind of love isn’t going to be easy. But that’s ok because I don’t want easy. I want crazy.

I was reading a post the other day on “Thought Catalog” about this and the author described it as a “Friday Kind of Love.” Fridays are full of possibilities. You have the whole weekend ahead of you, where anything could happen. This sense of possibility leads to and air that is full of excitement and potential. Full of options. I want the Friday kind of love. I want possibility, the feeling of excitement, and passion. I want extraordinary. Crazy.

Everyone deserves a love that is something of an out of this world connection, that you can’t make sense of in your own mind. Mind-blowing-heart-stopping-life-changing-inexplicable-love.

                           

                         “Who needs to play it safe in love… Let’s be crazy”