First, I know this is my second post today, but quite frankly I am bored and have nothing else to do. I spent so much time this weekend on homework, that I really have nothing else to do now, I even finished an assignment that isn't due until December!! So what better to do than blog again, it makes me happy. I got this idea from a friend of mine who did this one her blog, but I want to write a letter to my teenage self. Looking back on the past few years, I realize how much I went through, good and bad, and how much I have grown, emotionally and spiritually. I look back and realize how lost I was going through most of that, I honestly had no clue what was going on or where my life was taking me. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, my past and how it shaped me into the woman I am today. And then I think, know where I am today, what could I tell my teenage self to give her strength and courage that I know she often needed. This isn't going to be particularly easy for me because I don't like talking about myself, especially when I was at my weakest. I wouldn't be doing this if it was going to be of some benefit for me, and who knows, maybe it will help you get to know me a little better. So here it goes. What words of wisdom do I have for my teenage self?
Dear Elizabeth,
Where do I even begin? I have so much that I could write about, so much that I know now that I wish I knew five years ago. I am only 20 and by no means wise. I don't even consider myself a grown-up. In fact, I am still scared to grow up and still searching for Neverland. I know I used to say that I couldn't wait to grow up and graduate from high school and college and get a job etc. But don't try to grow up so fast, because in a few years you will be wondering where all the time went. And when the time comes where you actually have to starting looking into the "real world" it's scary, I'm not gonna lie. I know right now you think that when you are older everything will be perfect, that if you only wait a few years, all your problems will seem to disappear. Well, some problems may not be there anymore, but there are always new ones to fill their place. One thing I have learned over the past few years it is: Don't look at problems as things that are trying to tear you down. Instead, look at them as obstacles to overcome that can only make you stronger. I know it may not seem like it now, but you do overcome all your struggles and in the end you will be stronger and more confident. Trust me on this one. We have been through a lot, you and I. I wish I could say that we have had our fair share of struggle and that is it, but unfortunately we will go through a lot more. Only now, we are stronger and know that we can get through anything that is thrown our way.
No matter how hard you work to make all your friendships and relationships be "perfect," the will never be that way, and that is actually ok. Life can't be perfect, and neither can relationships, just accept it now. Don't try and ignore or deny any problems to try and keep things perfect. We do this a lot, and I still do it today. I hate conflict with a passion, and will do anything to avoid conflict, even if it means ignoring problems. I know at the moment it seems like this will keep you from hurting, but in the end it will cause you more pain then you thought possible.*Speaking from personal experience here.* This is only going to hurt your friendships and pushing the people you love farther away from you. Speaking of friendships, don't be so closed off to other people. We build a brick wall, a barrier to prevent people from seeing inside our soul. I know it is a defense mechanism, and a way to prevent you from getting hurt, but the best friendships and relationships are built on honesty and being open. It wasn't until just recently that I was truly open and honest with someone about my past and my feelings, and get this, they accepted me! In a few years you will meet someone you trust completely and being around them is so comfortable that you can't help but be open with them. It is scary, don't get me wrong, but it also one of the most freeing and healing feelings that you will ever experience.
Hmm. I don't like writing about the tougher stuff but I know it will be good for me. I know you deal with some self-confidence issues, to say the least. It's hard. You don't feel pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or even good enough. Every day at school you are surrounded by the pretty, tiny little girls who seem to have it all together and there you are awkward and alone, or at least sometimes it feels like that. Don't let this get the best of you like I did. Why did you let yourself believe that you weren't good enough? Why did you let your "disordered eating" as they called it take over your life? I look back on pictures from junior year and wonder how I let it get so bad. Thank goodness you overcome that and actually get to a point where you are healthy again, both physically and mentally. Don't let depression get the best of you, keep fighting! Ask for help you need it, there is no shame in needing help. Don't only ask friends and family for help, ask God for help. I know your relationship with him is still iffy and you are trying to figure things out, but you will figure it out and it will be everything you ever dreamed of and more.
The next few years are going to fly by in the blink on an eye. You are going to make some great friends and unfortunately lose a few friends too. You will laugh a lot and cry just as much. You will go SLU and join Micah, which is going to be the best decision of your life. You are going to make such amazing friends that will always be there. Don't take those friendships for granted. You are going to fall in love for the first time, and then have your heart broken for the first time. You can't avoid it, but you will get through it. Just when your life feels like it is at it's lowest, things are going to get better!
You are beautiful and smart and important. You have so much going for you. You're life is only just beginning!
One 20 year old Elizabeth
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